The Hardest Part Was Leaving You...

Dead!

2006-12-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

Close my eyes.
Imagine a white sandy beach.
With blue waves rolling in.
Shooooooooosh. Shooooooooooosh. Shooooooooooosh.

Good news...I have none. Oh, no, there is one, but it's so much nicer if I just...keep it to myself.

Bad news...school's always bad news. Coming home after school is always bad news. My parents are bad news. I realized something today and that was bad news. And life itself is just bad news.

But since this is gonna be on FB, I guess I'll put this here too. Just 'cause I want to see what you'll say in your comments..if you do at all:

Dear Sonia,

I ______ you. You have a nice______. You make me _______. You should _______. Someday I will ______. You + me =________. If I saw you now I'd _______. Remember that time when _______? I would build a _______ just for you. If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We could ________ under the stars.

Love, _______________

(P.S. ______________.)

ARGH.

2006-11-02T08:52:00.000-05:00

Excuse the drama queen-ness of this post.

Last night was the most disappointing night of my life. EVER.

I told Frances that I will try to be emotionless, but it's too hard to. It's just easier to be bitter and angry at my mom. I'm just so...ARGH#@*#%*#!!! I just hate her SO badly right now.

I'm a generally forgiving person. But, I don't know if I'll let this go. I'll get over it sooner or later, but right NOW?? Oh, you seriously do not want to mess with me right now.

Just 8 more months.

G2 test today (me & Lizzie). Wish us luck. I think she's already gone to do it. Gotta go out to practise with my dad soon.

EDIT: To add to the disappointment, I failed my G2 test.

The Big Picture

2006-10-23T16:54:00.000-04:00

Breaking news:

1. My Chem's new album will be released tomorrow...and I reserved a limited edition copy at HMV at Fairview. Hehe!

2. My Chem will be in T-dot for an instore signing at 333 Yonge Street!! Parental permission to attend is pending.

3. G2 road test next Thursday. Wish me luck!

LOL, notice how 2 out of the 3 have to do with My Chem.

Anyways...you can't trust people. In the end, people will betray you if they think they've been given a good enough reason and it won't matter who they are and what you mean to them or what they mean to you.

We give people the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, they'll just use that against you, knowing that you couldn't possibly know or even suspect what they've done, right?

A Daily Dose of "What the Hell?"

2006-10-09T20:02:00.000-04:00

Everyday, I tell myself that I will do better. That I'll try harder. But, lately, I'm just slowly giving up, bit by bit. I do want to try harder and be better and all that crap, but I just...don't care. No motivation whatsoever.

How wonderful. The ONE year that counts, I decide to give up.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic and making it sound worse than it actually is. All I can say that now that this is the final year, I'm getting more and more anxious to get out of here.

It's just this huge, tangled, vicious, messed up, angry cycle. First, I start with feeling that I'm not doing enough. That leads to this phase of depression and feelings of inadequacy, which inevitably leads to a loss of effort. So, I end up NOT doing better and then I realize that I'm not doing enough. And then it goes back to step 1 and on and on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

There are times at school, where I'm just sitting in class and I'm suddenly overcome with this powerful urge to scream and rip up my papers and binders and textbooks.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's felt like this recently. Dear God, it's only been a month and a half and I think I'm going insane ALREADY. Is there no hope?

Bah. I can't wait for December: possibly the Dashboard Confessional concert with Lizzie, Christmas, our birthday (me and Iszy's...and the crazy plans we have for it), and it'll be cold enough to give me an excuse to stay home all day without leaving the warmth of my room unless I have a really good reason such as the aforementioned ones above.

2006-10-03T16:06:00.000-04:00

You know...I told myself when school started that I will make an effort NOT to get mad at my mom (and dad, when he makes me mad, but that's rare), no matter what she did/does/will do.

So, God, I'd REALLY like to know why she's being even MORE annoying and (excuse my language) bitchy than EVER. I am afraid to ask her innocent questions because I know that she'll get mad at me.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?!?!

Plus that and all the other stupid crap that's going on.

I don't want to take it. But, I am anyways. I'm finally taking steps to please God.

Is He testing me or something? I mean, I have really little patience as it is and even less with my parents. I just...aaaaaaaaaargh. I need to make angry and indistinguishable noises to vent my frustration.

An Epiphany!

2006-09-25T20:19:00.000-04:00

And it is this:

That was the stupidest and most idiotic mistake I've ever made.
Not because there were serious and dire consequences.
But because I didn't think before I acted.

Took me long enough to figure that out. Yeesh.

Never Ending, Always Starting

2006-09-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

Okay, so.
My plan to stay on my mom's good side is not working. First, I got really mad at my mom because she was being annoying in the car while I was driving. Then, I got mad at her some more when she kept asking me unnecessarily involved questions about school. Notice how it's my mom, not my dad. My dad's just...my dad. LOL, he's got a clearer head than my mom does. So, anyways, I'm trying to avoid my mom altogether.

Gah, another chemistry quiz and an algeo quiz (fo' realz, this time...he forgot about it last time or decided to reschedule it and never told us...or something). Studying during spare never works for me unless I'm at home.

So, I called HMV and Music World...apparently, Music World is not hiring right away, but HMV is for the Christmas season and the manager dude said that he'll look through the resumes he got in the past few weeks and hopefully, mine's in the pile. Cross your fingers for a call this weekend.

I was looking through all of my old PCA yearbooks last night and I can't believe how...kiddish we looked. I was like, "Did we really look like that???" And then I realized that after graduation this year...it's going to be over. I've never stayed at a school for as long as I have at PCA. I mean, yeah, we'll all try to stay in touch and everything, but let's be honest. Life's gonna get in the way and whether we like it or not, some of WILL lose touch and maybe never ever even see each other again. So, somehow, I'm going to enjoy the time that we have left together. Maybe I won't lose certain people afterwards, but you know...

I'm sorry. Was that too mushy? Well, Sonia Kim's a marshmallow.

Tid Bits

2006-09-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

Okay.
I will try to stay on my parents' good side until November. 'Cause I want to suck up to them and hopefully, they'll let me go to the Panic! at the Disco concert.

Guh, I'm so tired. I was hoping to be able to go to TIFF with Frances again today. But, of course, I have to study and besides, I saw Brad Pitt and Tim Deegan. Good enough. Hehe.

I'm supposed to be studying for the Algeo quiz today, but I am obviously not...And I've gone on this selfish streak and I suddenly want a lot of stuff. Which I do not have the money for because I still don't have a job. My parents try to bribe me by telling me that they'll give me $5 every time I bring home a test with 100% or some other mark that they are satisfied with. I don't want their money...I can get my own somehow, but it irks me that they think that money is the only thing I want from them or that money is the only thing that will motivate me. Although, I can understand why they would think that because it sure as hell motivates my brother.

Anyways, I should add all the stuff I want on my "Christmas/Want List" thingie on the sidebar. *Innocent grin*

Isabel and I are planning to do something very big and huge together on our birthday. Just don't know what. But definitely Queen Street/MuchMusic. Only issue is parents. As always.

Last First Day of High School

2006-09-05T18:02:00.000-04:00

Went to bed last night at 10:30, fell asleep at 11:30, woke up at 4:00, stayed awake in bed till 6:00, got to school at 7:25.

First day of school wasn't bad. It was just...whatever. It wasn't so much school. It was the fact that it's senior year and my mom, as always and possibly more than ever, is being extremely anal about it. I get the point: we're going to university next year and we have to work our butts off this year. This is the year that counts. She doesn't have to get in my face and constantly nag me and tell me what to do. I KNOW what to do. Jeez, just leave me alone and I'll get it done.

And she expects me to "study" everything in advance? Hello! It doesn't work like that. I've tried. Really, I did try. And it just doesn't work for me. I'm not an uber genius. God.

But, I'm being a good girl now and I'm looking at some uni's and trying to finish this goddamned scholarship thing. Yes, I am still pissy.

Anyways, onto more serious stuff. Senior year. What can I say? Knowing that I'm a senior doesn't make me feel any different. In fact, I feel the same way I do every year on the first day of school. Okay, fine, this time, it's accompanied by gnawing anxiety with a side of imminent doom.

Hm, I don't care what my mom says. I refuse to sleep early today. There's no point in me sleeping because I'll probably wake up at some inhuman time, like 3:00 AM. Anyways, I'm out.

Was It a Dream?

2006-08-29T15:19:00.000-04:00

Mom: Sonia, why aren't you studying and preparing for school?
Me: Um...
Mom: Aren't you scared that you're going to do badly?! I want you to go through your textbooks and make notes or something today. Okay?
Me: *Annoyed* Okay, I get it. I heard you the first time.
Mom: I told you at the beginning of summer to prepare! And what have you done?! Nothing!

I don't get it either.
Whatever.

Anyways, my brother's at Wonderland, the lucky butt. I want to go to Wonderland before school, so if any of you wanna go with me, PLEASE TELL ME.

More exciting news of the day:
My Chem will be releasing their new album on October 24th. Wooohooooooo! New album means new tour. New tour means they'll be here again. Being here again means an excited Sonia.

And secondly, I have fallen in love with 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes, it's a band. And the lead singer's Jared Leto, some actor guy. I've only seen him in "Fight Club", where he had this really really awful blond haircut and like...two lines. He looks so much better with the dark hair he has now. Anyways, they'll be keeping me occupied till My Chem's new album. <3

Going out soon. Gonna spend the rest of the week helping Angelina edit some footage of a funeral for her church. Later, people.

I freaking miss this.

Whee.

2006-08-25T02:04:00.000-04:00

It is very late.
And I just finished eating a banana.
It's really hot here too.
My parents refuse to turn the air conditioning on.
And I have to be at Elizabeth's house tomorrow by 10 AM.
Which reminds me:
Happy 17th birthday, you weirdo.
Five and a half years of friendship already. It'll be six and a half soon and then we'll all go emo in the corner and cry until our black eyeliner runs. ROFL.

Oh, dear Lord, this is why I shouldn't stay up so late. I'm pretty much drunk and uncontrollable when it's really late. 'Cause I'm so tired and just don't give a damn. Yeah. Random update for no reason at all! I should have more of them.

Can you take the Emo?

2006-08-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know.
I am pathetic.
I am listening to sappy lovey-dovey songs, eating ice cream and basically moping around.
You'll have to excuse the emo-ish, depressing layout for now.
Until I get over all this crap.
Can somebody hold me please???
Or knock me unconscious for a very very long time?

Anyways, today, I had a driving lesson and my instructor proceeded to yell at me for a while because I was doing everything wrong. I've actually been doing everything wrong lately. And then I came back and I've been sitting at my computer the whole day, trying to figure what exactly I could write an essay about for this scholarship thingiemabobber. Which I officially give up on.

I'll do it tomorrow.

Why, oh why, does it always have to be like this?
I'm being such a drama queen.

In all my infamy
Helped to gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors
My sisters and my brothers
Still, I will not kiss you
Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
Pardon me
Cause I'm awful just to think
Cause all my heads are bending on my body
On my agony
Know that I will never marry
And baby, after dying from the chemo
And cutting down the days to go
It's just a feeling
And I don't want to go
And if you say
Goodbye today
I have to do this too
Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

Turkey and GYLC

2006-08-18T11:06:00.000-04:00

So.
I am back.
From "nerd camp", as Jasmine likes to call it.
So, prepare yourselves for a looooooong post.

So, I got there, blah blah blah. All 360-something of us were put into groups of 20-something and each group was to represent a certain country. I was in Turkey. To tell the truth, I hated my group for the first day.

But, when you spend..oh, about 18 hours a day with the same people for two whole weeks, you kinda get used to them. So, for the first two days, we were all quiet and barely speaking. By the middle of the first week, we pretty much loosened up and in our group meetings, we'd be sitting on the floor, wrestling each other, making crude jokes, throwing things, etc. My poor faculty advisor (our teacher, basically), Tanya, had so much trouble controlling us. Hahaha. And our group was special because we got our own bus, unlike the other countries who had to share a bus with one other group.

The first week went by sooooo slowly. We were getting used to the extremely hectic schedule and some people were getting used to the time differences and jetlag. But, by the end of the first week, the people in my group were pretty much really really good friends by then and the second week in NYC was SO FREAKING AWESOME. But, it went by sooo quickly.

So, the very last official night (Wednesday) was...crazy. We went on a three hour-long dinner cruise from Manhattan, around the Statue of Liberty and back. And get this: the cruise had two DJ's and two dance floors. And it was like clubbing. I'd never done anything like that obviously. So, this Korean girl, Yaeji and I were like, "Uh...total club dancing virgins here." So two of our friends showed us how to dance and then we went in and it was SO MUCH FUN. Like, it was unexplainably fun. I didn't really dance with any guys, except for two guys: this one guy in my group who was really really friendly and he's like a protective type and this other guy who wasn't in my group but I was friends with him and he's cute (well, I think so) so we danced.

Finally, yesterday, we had our closing ceremony and many people were crying. I wasn't really crying, but I hugged so many people. Then, I got to the airport and I was on the plane, staring out the window. As the plane took off, I started to absolutely bawl and wail. The lady beside me was trying not to be alarmed, but she was. Now, I'm happy to be home...but really really sad to have left all my friends that I made...

So, Turkeys, if any of you read this, I miss you all like heck and I promise I will visit ALL of you someday. If anyone of you come to Toronto, call/e-mail me. I miss you. I can't say that enough.

PS: Is it normal to miss a certain someone so much that you can't function properly at all because all you can do is think about them constantly?

Summer Has Come and (Half) Passed

2006-08-02T00:05:00.000-04:00

I have resorted to using Green Day lyrics.
Creativity: 0
Okay, so I haven't updated in the longest time.
No, not the longest time..
I was going to update two weeks ago, on my brother's birthday, but...life got in the way.

Haven't been doing much. Going to driving lessons. Reading. Lots of reading. Sudoku. Cross-stitching. Sleeping. Existing.

Ain't life grand?

Anyways, I'm going off to that leadership thingymajiggy on Sunday. Going to be in Washington, D.C. and NYC for two whole weeks and the shopping better make up for all the lectures we'll have to sit through.

The parents say that we're going on yet ANOTHER roadtrip somewhere when I come back from the leadership thingymajiggy. Should I ask them to take me and my brother to Syracuse, NY or Allentown, PA to see My Chem play on Sept. 2 or 3? Will we even make it back in time for school? Dun dun dun.

2006-07-11T16:53:00.000-04:00

I've been at driving school for the past two days. Just two more days left. From 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM. It's not all that bad, though. Lots of new...information about driving. And then my first in-car training lesson is in two weeks or something. Eep.

Tried to convince my mom to let me take my brother to the Panic! concert this Saturday as a birthday present for him, but she was having none of it. Oh, well. We tried. My brother's actually genuinely disappointed. Instead, we're going to a beach next Thursday, on his actual birthday and my brother is excited about going fishing.

Yeah, not much else to say...I got the My Chem bag that Robin ordered for me like four weeks ago. And I have tons of volunteering work to do this month. And my mother is counting down the days I go off to NYC/Washington for "camp".

I think I'll hand in my resume to Chapters when I go there later. Because I am so broke. I need to get off my ass and make money in a productive way instead of waiting for my grandparents to hand it all over to me.

O Canada

2006-07-03T22:44:00.000-04:00

Lalala.
Happy (rather belated) Canada day, everybody.
Hope you all had fun for the weekend. I had a rather fun and interesting weekend with my family. Recap:

Saturday - Went to this place called the Bruce Peninsula. It's a peninsula past Owen Sound, which is a small town west of Toronto. We all went on this boat tour thing that had like two pits that had glass bottoms, so people could see the bottom of the lake. We got to see two shipwrecks at the bottom of the lake. Then, we went all the way to this island called Flowerpot Island and had a little hike around the island. Then, we went home. Oh, earlier in the day, my dad bought fireworks for my brother. So, anyways, we went home and it was like 11 PM and we went to the park beside our house. Some weird people were throwing fireworks at each other. Anyways, my brother blew up all the fireworks that he had and he had tremendous fun doing so.

Sunday - Blah. Slept, watched "Superman Returns" in IMAX 3-D. It was awesome. I'd like to watch it again and damn, Brandon Routh is pretty hawt.

Today, I went to Yorkdale with my dad and my brother (who bought this laptop that I'm on right now, typing up this entry). I was going to buy some Chanel sunglasses, but I didn't find the ones that I really wanted (which I found on eBay). Anyways, I found an awesome pair of black Dior sunglasses, but they were $330. I decided I should look for other ones, although I really liked those.

I still want that black 1967 Chevy Impala, though.

Calling Dr. Freud

2006-06-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

Dang it.
Okay, so I had a really weird dream last night...
Not that any of you care.
But it was so freaking hilarious when I thought about it after I woke up.
The whole just made it seem like I was totally wasted AND shot up AND blazing the night before.

Anyways, what happened was that I was walking somewhere with a bunch of people...and then a tour bus was just in the middle of the road and Gerard came out of it! And a crowd of people just came out of nowhere and began asking him for autographs and stuff like that. Soon, the crowd disappeared and I was just left standing there with Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance, my favourite band in the whole wide world (and one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen), standing in front of me. Anyways, I walked up to him and was conveniently holding a pen and paper. I said or rather, stammered, "Um...uh...er...erm...hehe...uh, could you sign this for me??" [Insert school girl blush here] So, he asked me for my name and I told him. Then he noticed that I was wearing this pair of pants that I really like (and which I actually have). They're like the black "sk8ergrrl/boi" pants and he said, "Nice pants." And for some bizaaaaaaare reason, I said, "Yeah, boys get dirty thoughts when they see me in these." (LOL!?!?) Anyways, he laughed and gave me back the paper and pen and then said bye to me and went back into the bus, which drove away. So, I looked down at the paper and noticed that he had written an actual note (which made me feel special beacuse he only signed his name for the rest of the crowd): "Hey, Sonia. I didn't want to say this out loud to you and make you feel uncomfortable, but I got pretty dirty thoughts when I saw you in those pants. xoxo Gerard."

I woke up and the first thing I said out loud was, "Double-you...tee...eff?"

Sigh.

Re-reading this post, it made me realize (for the millionth time) how pathetic my existence is...and how lonely I am. Wail. Sob. Boo-hoo and all that jazz.

When is the second season of "Supernatural" going to start? I'm almost done watching the first. I'm on the penultimate episode (yeah, I like feeling smart). But, I think I've been watching too much of it. My brother complained of a weird smell coming from the refrigerator and I said, "Maybe it's sulfur...a demon living in our fridge! Got any holy water?"

Anyways back to "Supernatural". Moaning woodwinds and horror movie REE REE REE! soundtrack. Scene!

Let's Start a Riot!

2006-06-21T21:53:00.000-04:00

Oohmygosh.
Seriously.
I cannot take the hotness anymore.
Can Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles get any more hotter??
Dang.
Seriously.
Okay, I'll stop.
But, seriously.
They are sooo...okay, I'll stop.
Yeah, I'm kind of obsessed with their show "Supernatural".

*AHEM*
Mother parental unit is sick and depressed. I don't really know what to do except be nice to her. It takes a lot of effort, thought (joking!). Anyways, since summer has started and there is no school to keep me focussed on the real life, I have found myself sucked back into the world of my own head and fantasies fed by TV shows, movies and fiction books.

Anyways, I've been bicycling everyday in the morning since the weekend. I keep expecting myself to suddenly become really fit and lose flab in certain areas, but I'm just being impatient. Well, at least, I'm doing something.

Three Days Grace's new album, "One-X", is awesome. It will probably be topped by My Chemical Romance's new album in the fall, though. *g*

My download of the first season of "Supernatural" is still not over. Grr.

Okay, kids, this ends here. I hope that was enlightening in some way. It probably wasn't. In fact, I bet you all lost a brain cell or two just reading that. Your loss and nobody's gain. Well, at least it wasn't something like this:

Dear Blog,
Today I met a boy. He was hot. I want to get into his pants. I think he wants to get into mine, too.

I think you'd lose a lot more than one or two brain cells from that.

Summer Update

2006-06-16T16:02:00.000-04:00

YES.
EXAMS.
ARE.
OVER.

Do you understand the words you are reading??

EXAMS.
ARE.
OVER.

Dang, I haven't been in SO FREAKING LONG.
Okay, updates:
- FIFA WORLD CUP!!!!!!!!! KOREAN PRIDE.
- EXAMS ARE OVER.
- That Angel guy with the wings from "X-Men 3"??? Can you say hot??? Like, seriously...LMAO, Jazz and Iszy and I were like *DRooooooooooooooooL*
- "Lost" my wallet. Don't ask me what happened. Just know that I "found" it.

So Long & Goodnight

2006-05-15T19:14:00.000-04:00

Hello, dear readers.
Just came back in to say one thing.
I'll be going on a temporary hiatus.
Until these stupid ISPs, exams and grade 11 are over.
But, don't worry.
I'll be back in black in June after exams.

Retreat06 <3

2006-05-07T12:58:00.000-04:00

So, I'm not going to go into a long detailed day-by-day thing about the retreat...
But, wow.

Highlights:
- Pastor Stu. Wow, he was so funny, but at the same time, he wasn't afraid to hit with the serious stuff.
- Asian Hillsong! All of you just rocked. Mad love <3
- LOL, the emo/scene pictures that Connie, Lizzie and I took. Complete with black eyeliner and all.
- Baking/decorating cookies! Friend, your WTF cookie...bwahaha! Did anyone eat that?! =S
- Getting squished into the corner on my sleeping b
- Seeing how everyone unexpectedly felt so changed and convicted

Lowlights:
- The freaking cold water and the broken washroom light on the first night.
- Stupid mosquitoes
- I should've been there at Oasis.

I don't think this retreat sent me on a spiritual high. But, it did open my eyes and mind to a lot of stuff. It taught me that God has a plan for all of us and I've finally realized how to figure out what God wants me to do. I've been thinking about something these past few weeks and I was talking to Mrs. Lindstrom about it the day we left for the retreat. Then that day and the day after, Stu briefly mentioned it and it wasn't the main topic of what he was speaking about. But the fact that he even mentioned it just made my heart stop a little.

Believe the impossible is possible.

Dramarama

2006-04-30T10:45:00.000-04:00

I don't get it.
WHY does there have to be so much fucking drama right now?
It's everywhere.
I go to school and it's there. I come home and there's drama here. Even when I go on the MCR Forum, there's drama there.
Ugh, I'm just so frustrated with this and all the stupid work we have to do for school.
I need to do something to get away.
I need to sleep. For a very long time.

Toil & Sorrow

2006-04-23T12:49:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been feeling selfish.
Current wishlist (if I wasn't so broke and swamped with school):
- Many band t-shirts/merch
- Sexy new sunglasses (preferable Chanel...those sexy retro/vintage ones)
- No schoolwork!
- Banana bread

Hahaha, I'm craving banana bread so badly right now...Okay, I need to make another list.

Important School Crap:
- SAP ISP (I'm so screwed...)
- Bio test (May 1st...Eeek.)
- Religions quiz (Monday...totally forgot until this morning)
- Religions ISP (Mid-May)
- Religions test (May 8; Hinduism&Sikhism?)
- Eng. ISP (Gotta think of a topic for my essay and must think of ideas for group presentation..end of May)
- Chem ISP (Aaaah, I want to do the video for bonus marks, too, but when are we going to be able to do that??)
- SAP Cult Assignment

Holy crap...I'd rather go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled out than have to do all this. And that's saying a lot because I HATE going to the dentist and getting teeth pulled out more than school.

I'm hungry too. I have to go out to dinner with my grandparents AGAIN. I should scavenge around my house for something to nibble on.

My mp3 player is finally getting fixed. After..how many weeks? Hopefully, it'll be all fixed by next Friday and I won't feel so incomplete anymore. Besides, it was getting very annoying to have to carry my ancient CD player around all the time.

Aaaagh...I must get my ass off the MCR Forum and the Internet and get some fricking work done...I'm not sleeping until I finish something today. Preferably SAP ISP and studying for the religion quiz and a little bit for the bio test.

*Cries*

This is the Worst Day Ever.

2006-04-15T21:50:00.000-04:00

Stupid stuff happened today.
That's all.

Stolen from Sam's blog...AGAIN.
Music Survey
Put iTunes or Windows Media Player on shuffle and see what you get. (Take the first song as your answer to Question #1, and so forth.)

1. What's my mood like right now?
"Haunted" - Evanescence
I guess so...

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
"You Know How I Do" - Taking Back Sunday

3. What kind of person am I?
"I Constantly Thank God for Esteban" - Panic! at the Disco
So does that mean I'm sacrilegious?

4. Am I loved?
"Truce" - Dresden Dolls

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
"The Jeep Song" - Dresden Dolls
I have to start freaking out every time I see my ex-boyfriend's car??

6. What should I do with my life?
"A Time to Dance" - Panic! at the Disco

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
"Emily" - From First to Last
I guess not?

8. What is my best quality?
"Our Lady of Sorrows" - My Chemical Romance
I'm a really good friend who will be there when you fuck up. I can live with that.

9. How does my sex life look?
"Kiss Me, I'm Contagious" - From First to Last
Okay then...

10. What's the meaning of life?
"This is the Best Day Ever" - My Chemical Romance
Huh...interesting. This is actually the song that my title references.

11. What do people think of me?
"Tonight, Tonight" - The Smashing Pumpkins

12. Would I make a good lover?
"Bullet With Butterfly Wings" - The Smashing Pumpkins

13. How crazy am I?
"It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Fucking Deathwish" - My Chemical ROmance

14. Will I have a good life in general?
"Truce" - Dresden Dolls
I'm going to take over the world.

15. What's going to happen to me this week?
"Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" - The Smiths

P.S.: Thanks to...Jazz, Sam, Tori, Liz, Jess, FRIEND, Megan, Danica, Justin...and everyone else. Just thanks.

And If It's the Last Thing I Ever Do

2006-04-06T00:08:00.000-04:00

So...the end of something bad and the beginning of something even worse. So much stupid and pointless and idiotic and did I mention pointless drama going on. God, I'm listening to Morrissey...that's how stupidly depressed I am.

I've been staring at my book and I think I'm on the verge of breaking down...or maybe I have? I just don't realize it? My dad's been gone for only fourteen hours and I miss him already. Lately, I can't concentrate, even with coffee. Yesterday, I wrote a song on a napkin at the restaurant I was having dinner at with my relatives...because everybody wanted to see my dad before he left. I guess I shouldn't complain.

Some people have it worse than I do, right? Right.

So, right now, I'm jamming to Morrissey...oh, now it's My Chem's cover of a Morrissey song...I think it's about love or something along those lines.

Crash into my arms.
I want you!
You don't agree,
But you don't refuse.
I know yooooooou.

Right now...I feel like...
flying away.
But right now...
I'm in a box.

No, that is not a poem. It really is what went through my head just now.

Short&Cute Survey Stolen From Sam's Blog
* popularly known as - Sonia
* screen name(s) - dare_devil (or some variant)
* parents race - Korean
* siblings - younger brother; doggy
* zodiac - Capicorn
* hair length - shoulder-length
* natural hair colour - medium/darkish brown
* current hair colour - medium/darkish brown with very faded auburn streaks and bleached tips (which are badly done).
* piercings overall - one on each earlobe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. my father thinks I am- his little princess
2. my mother thinks I am- she has a split opinion of me. one side of her loves and thinks i'm the best thing to her and the other side thinks i'm the devil's spawn.
3. my lover thinks I am- I don't have a lover...someone hold me. I'm lonely.
4. 3 things you are often complimented for- I dunno...My...my...uhh...can you get back to me on that? Uh, seriously, I think my hair? My eyes? I dunno!
5. you get embarrassed when- someone catches me doing something embarrassing???
6. what makes you happy- Friends&family laughing...being together...that and My Chemical Romance. Bwahaha.
7. what upsets you- When people and animals get hurt.
... DO YOU ...
8. own a diary? Hellz, yeah. Actually, it's more of a journal where I write down random lyrics that pop into my head...but it's personal and NO YOU CAN'T READ IT. Because it's boring and who really wants to know that stuf?
9. enjoy cooking? I like making pancakes and coffee. So, if that's cooking, then yeah.
10. have a secret you have not shared withanyone? Yup. Lots o' 'em.
11. set your watch a few minutes ahead? Uh...yeah 'cause it's the Korean thing to do.
12. bite your fingernails? Yeah...really should stop. It's very gross.
13. believe in love? Yeah, but I haven't found it yet.
14. take a shower/bath every day? If I'm not feeling lazy.
15. have any tattoos? if so, where? Ah, well, half the world already knows if I do or don't, so the other half can figure that out.
16. get motion sickness easily? Nah.
17. like thunderstorms? Oh, yeah! I love sitting by my window and staring outside during thunderstorms.
... WHO IS/ARE ...
18. the most gorgeous female you know? Um...well, she comes to my blog, so can you say Un! Comfortable?
19. the weirdest person you know? It's honestly a tie between myself and Lizzie.
20. the loudest person you know? Jess.
21. your close friends? Off the top of my head: Liz, Jazz, Jess, Renn/Rebecca, Tori, Isabel, Sam, Jane, FRIEND, Justin, Jer...
... WHAT IS ...
22. your most overused phrase on IM? "hehe" or "lol" or "omg!" or "sigh..."
23. your favourite feature? Um...I'd have to go with my...um...uh...my eyebrows...(I'm not being serious, but it's the most inconspicuous feature that I can think of).
24. your favourite inside joke? Well, Emma, the person I share this inside joke with, probably doesn't read my blog anymore, but...*sticks out tongue*

The Beginnings of a Coffee Addict

2006-04-04T19:38:00.000-04:00

So, today, I went to Tim Horton's during spare...and I decided to get a Cafe Mocha because Jer told me that it's like coffee with chocolate in it. My growing curiosity about the effects of coffee were terribly teasing (and since it had chocolate in it, how could I go wrong?), I decided to get one. So, I got a small, just in case I didn't like it.

But, I did.

My body must not be used to the caffeine in coffee because after a few sips, I felt very awake and my hand started shaking during the chem test. Well, it was because I wasn't sure of this one question and I was REALLY panicking.

Anyways, so, Jer got me another one during his spare and I was drinking it after school. Mrs. Crouse was like, "Is that the same one from lunch?!" And I said it was my second and she said that I'm becoming an addict. I am.

In fact, I want another one right now.

I am sick of writing notes in my book for "A Tale of Two Cities." I want to watch "House" and then sleep. I only have an hour left until "House" airs. Hmm...

New band that I dig right now: Dresden Dolls.

Can't wait to see them open for Panic! at the Disco on July 15!!!

April Fools Day Showers

2006-04-02T18:51:00.000-04:00

Once again, my title has nothing to do with this post. Okay, maybe it does have to do with it a little bit. But just a little. [Stupid Rant]Ugh...don't you hate it when people act like they know more than they actually do?? I admit I'm guilty of it sometimes, but I never realized how much it must piss other people off when I do that until now, when I realized how much it pisses ME off.[/Stupid Rant]

Yesterday, I was totally expecting my brother to do some stupid prank on me, like putting Saran wrap across the toilet seat or rigging the refrigerator so that fake plastic bugs jump out at me when I open it or putting whoopie cushions everywhere (because he's got a couple from our cousins) or something like that.

But, he didn't, so I was spared from the humilation and embarrassment of it all.

Anyways, my weekend has been a total waste of time. On Friday, I went to Guelph with my mom. I went to this Tim Horton's there and there were all these white people (err....to tell the truth, they looked like they stepped right out of "My Name is Earl" or something) staring at me when I went inside to get a hot chocolate. Anyways, yeah, so I went there and then I came back. So, Friday = waste. Well, actually, my dad came back home with us. I thought we were going to sleep over at his place there, but instead, my 'rents were like, "Nah, let's just all go home and spend the weekend together!" My dad's got a new job in Guelph, which is why he's there now...and no, I'm not moving to Guelph.

Then, yesterday, I "studied" for chem and SAP. I had dinner with my grandparents and uncle for the umpteenth time this month and my brother and I were being very noisy, even though our cousins weren't there...maybe it's a good thing they weren't. We probably would've burned the whole restaurant down if they were there. Hee.

And then today, I...woke up, studied for SAP some more, took a shower, watched an old episode of "Veronica Mars"...now I'm studying for chem again. My mom just came back from dropping my dad off at Guelph again. I miss him already.

I can't stop listening to My Chem's cover of Blur's "Song 2". It's two-minute guitar-driven ball of stupid mosh pit energy. Makes me wanna jump around and scream.

Hm, my dog is acting very oddly. She's rubbing herself against the stairs and growling. Maybe she's really itchy...

March Break's Over And So's the Sex

2006-03-28T18:15:00.000-05:00

So, March Break is finally over...some thoughts:

1. Bio test = MEH.
2. Why am I doing so badly in SAP?? It's very discouraging...well, I guess I have the final exam to make up for it...
3. Yay! NO school on Friday.
4. At least the weather's nice now.
5. And at least we don't have that much homework to do..
6. Uhhh...only two more MiniMed classes left...it's been fun, guys...and girl.
7. Eeek, gotta practise guitar for worship at retreat! Me sucky!
8. I miss a certain somebody. I guess I shouldn't complain. Some people have it worse off than me.

So, what's everybody doing on Friday? I wish I could go to the mall and watch a movie with some people, but I'm going to Guelph with my mom. Yay...!!

OKAY, I should do my homework so I can watch "House" later instead of writing down all these guitar chords for worship...like I said, me suck. Uuuugh, why did I sign up in the first place? I could've saved myself all this trouble. But, still, 'tis fuuun.

And some funny quotes from "Life on the Murder Scene"...well ones that I found funny. Most of you might not get it. But, OH WELL:

Dude: Whoa, dude, you look freaky in night vision!!
Gerard: Do I? Bwraaaaaaaagh raaaaawwwwwwwghhnnnnnnn!

Bob: Sweet! Mr. Bean! This is the only one I don't have.

Gerard: (Drunk) I killed so many plants...

Mikey: Don't film me straightening my hair!
(Bwahaha, I love that kid!!)

Bob: Party tiiiiiiime! Excelleeeent!
(He's a "Wayne's World" fan!! Excellent!)

Gerard: So gimme all your poison...and gimme all your pills...and gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ill...!!
*Frank comes over and kicks Gerard in the balls!*
Gerard: You're running...*oooowww* after something...*paaaaaaaain* you'll never....*keels over*

March Break Update #3

2006-03-22T18:30:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday, I watched the first DVD of "Life on the Murder Scene"...did not study for bio at all.

And then I went to Jazzy's place at like 4 o'clock. And then at 4:15, she was like, "Let's go!!" and I was like, "The thing doesn't start until 7:00!!" She said, "All the more reason to go!!" So, we got downtown at 5:00-ish, ate a bit, walked around a bit, and then went to the Princess of Wales theatre to watch the LotR musical. It was cute and the stage was SO cool. CoughLegolascough. CoughFrodocough. And then we went back to her house and ate some noodles. Yeah, that was all.

"Desert Song" is possibly the saddest song I've ever heard...I cried. I am such an emotional wreck right now. It's making me so depressed, but I can't stop listening to it.

"Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance:

We hold in our hearts
The sword and the faith.
Swelled up from the rain clouds,
Move like a wraith.
Well, after all,
We'll lie another day.
And through it all,
We'll find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid.
And did you come to stare
Or wash away the blood?

Well, tonight...well, tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days
Rocking out just for the dead.
Well, tonight...well, tonight
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime
In my head...

Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
From the lights to the pavement.
From the van to the floor.
From backstage to the doctor.
From the earth to the morgue.
Morgue, morgue, morgue.

Well, tonight,
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days
Rocking out just for the dead.
Well, tonight,
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime
In my head...

All fall down...
Well, after all...

March Break Update #2

2006-03-20T11:32:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday, I went to Lizzie's church and so did Connie, Jazz, Rebecca and Iszy. Hehe, it was really interesting. We were the cultural minorities there. And it's a good thing my parents don't know what "Arab time" is...I think they'd rip their hair out if they did.

Anyways, after church, we all went to Fairview ('cept Connie and Jazz...). We had lunch and Al showed pictures of his cat to Rebecca. And then we went to all these different shops. I went to HMV and asked about "Life on the Murder Scene" (AHEM! Which is coming out tomorrow!!) and the guy actually knew what I was talking about. Then we went to the pet shop and then we went to Jacob Connexion and Iszy bought a...those zipper sweater thingys. And those alarms at the front of the store kept going off and apparently, our cell phones set them off??? I dunno.

Yeah and then Liz went to watch a movie but the rest of us had to go home...and that was all.

Today, I am doing nothing...my parents are being really annoying and for some reason, they aren't speaking to each other. All my mother has said to my dad so far today is, "Come eat your lunch." *Raises eyebrow*

Me: What's wrong with Mom?
Dad: *Not looking at me* I don't know...
Me: Oh...
Dad: She's been like that since last night.
Me: Oh...*Walks to kitchen* Mom, what's wrong?
Mom: Nothing.
Me: *Silent*

Can you say, "unable to communicate"?

EDIT!!!: Okay, it's actually March 21st right now, but whatever. I just have to add something and I don't want to make a new entry for it because it's only a few words long. I GOT MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE'S DVD SET!!!!!!!!!!! 2 DVDs and 1 CD of a video diary, LIVE performances, AND unreleased tracks!!!! Four hours of My Chem goodnesssss! Excuse me while I experience a feeling that's better than orgasm.

March Break Update #1

2006-03-16T17:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I haven't updated in a while...I'm quite angry because I keep wasting time instead of studying for the biology test like I'm supposed to be doing..

And I found out that Warped Tour is going to be in Toronto on August 13th (or was it 12th?? can't remember), but I'll be at camp from august 6 to 17, so I'm really...disappointed. Maybe they'll be in Washington or NYC while I'm there...I hope so.

Eeee!! They'll be in Washington, D.C. on August 10th!! I have no idea what I'm doing that day, but I wonder if I could buy a ticket and then sneak off during lunch time or something. I probably won't, but you know...just a thought.

So, yeah, my 'rents don't know and my brother asked if he could get it in a few years and my mom freaked out. Well, it was just a hypothetical question, but it gave me a preview of what her reaction might be if I tell her soon...I think I'll tell her when I'm at the airport right before I go into the gate. That way, she won't be able to do anything to me and she'll have a cool-down period of two weeks.

Actually, nah.

Anyways, my back really hurts and why is it so damn cold in here?! Where's the spring? Kids in LA and Miami are going nuts on the beach and we're still with barely-above-zero weather. Bah.

We're Gonna Party Like It's...1999.

2006-03-06T19:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, lame title and it has nothing to do with post...okay, somewhat, but it's rather obscure and a small reason for celebration. But, I won't discuss it right now because nothing's final...and besides, it's a bit personal.

ANYWAYS, stuff to do:
1. Finish effing bio project.
2. SAP ISP and paper on Rubin Carter. I don't know what's wrong with me and SAP lately. I've been getting everything wrong in SAP...I've gotten like 4/10, 2/5, 5/10, etc...gosh!!
3. Read AToTC for quiiiiiiiz.
4. Oh, yeah, get permission form signed.

Bah. Okay, I HOPE to finish my bio project tonight and someone remind me to wear green on Thursday because I am quite sure I will forget some way or another. I feel like kicking something because I'm so frustrated. And since it's the LAST WEEK before March Break, I feel so goddamned lazy. Jeez.

Anyways, I watched "Sin City" two weeks ago and man, it's like the coolest comic book adaption I've ever seen! At first, I was a little skeptical because Robert Rodriguez is the director of "Spy Kids", but then I found out that Frank Miller, the creator of the comic books, AND Quentin Tarantino were both guest directors in the movie. Then, I saw the trailer last year and I was soo sucked in...and I can't believe I didn't watch it till now!! Okay, it was a little disturbing, but the cinematography and the plots were sooo cool. It was like seeing the original comic books with actual people and real movement. So cool. One of my favourite movies ever now.

This entry is getting a little long, but that's okay because I feel like I haven't updated in forever, so I'm making this extra long for all of you. I feel kind of hungry and I have to write train letters for Jane and Angelina...if you want one, then please tell me. I like writing these letters for people, even though I never seem to have anything interesting to say.

Maybe I'll end this here.

P.S.: Tori, can't wait to go to your church. Wink*!

Thank You's, Part II

2006-03-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

The second part of my Thank You list because I didn't have time to finish it last time.

Thank You, Part II
FRIEND: Friend, I laaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeeeeeee yooooooou. You're the awesomest. Now, can we go back to being friends? Ex-friend doesn't exactly roll off your tongue.

Vickay: We should make our own TV show and you can be the cliched metrosexual/gay best friend!! Bwahaha, dude, you make me laugh so much. Thanks.

Justin: Dude, I can just always count on you. No matter what I ask for or what we talk about.

Jeremy: LMAO, good times @ Mini-Med. Hahaha. You're a smart guy and I think you'll be the smartest doctor ever.

And that's all, folks!
=D

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

2006-02-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

Older people tell us we have so much potential. How do they even know what that is? I see potential in some people. Like I told Jane, I think she'd be a brilliant writer. I think Jeremy would be a really great doctor and I bet Tim's going to win the Nobel Peace Prize for some amazing chemical discovery. And someday, we're going to see Frances at the Oscars winning her award for Best Director or something.

Me + Potential = Error.

With some people, you just know what they're good at. They tell you right away what they're passionate about and what they want to dedicate their lives to. Usually, it's something they're good at. Me? I don't want to dedicate my life to math. Ew...

But, I guess if I gave it time, then I'll know. As long as I know and I'm happy with it...

I think I'm developing an anxiety disorder. I can't stop worrying about something. Like even right now. I have nothing to worry about, yet I still have that nasty feeling you get when you worry. Okay, maybe I'm worried about the biology project, but it's not THAT big of a deal.

Thank You's
Jasmine: Wow...I don't really know what to say. I don't think I have to.

Jess: Hon, you're an inspiration. Watching you go through so much this year and become a better person because of it has made me feel so grateful that you are my friend and that I am yours.

Liz: Yeah...You know what I'm gonna say. It's been said before.

Rebecca: Ooh, goodness, I just love our weird squealing over hot guys, but our "deep" conversations once in a while. I still have that owl you drew on my hand today. Maybe I'll get it tattooed and then have the Chinese word for owl underneath it. I don't know how we can be so different and yet such good friends.

Tori: Emitting signals...Hehehehe!! You're my girl-talk buddy. Really, I just love talking to you because you've got so much to say and you just find a way to say it right.

Sammi: I love you and all of your randomness. Especially when you bang into me in class and in the halls. And even though we may not be bestfriendsforever in terms how much we talk or how much we hang out and stuff, you mean as much as one to me.

Isabel: Woooohooo, go Harry Potter!! We really have to meet up and then have a reaaaaaaaally long movie marathon. You're a wonderful person and I love you for that. We really have to talk more.

Jane: Oh, Jane...what can I say? You take me away to paradise and you're just too cool for me. So there.

Frances: You know what I'm talking about. Thanks.

Friday: Yay or Nay?

2006-02-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

So...got into a huge fight with my mom, which resulted in me and her screaming at each other so much that my throat hurt a little bit afterwards. And then she tried to talk to me afterwards, but I was so pissed off at her that I just said, "WHAT??" and then she said, "NEVER MIND." The reason for this whole hullabaloo is because of my report card (which was kinda dismal) and yeah...because of that, she told me that I'm not allowed to go on the computer anymore until after 9 o'clock. And she told me this this morning because she found my report card in my bag. So I was half-asleep and I didn't hear half the stuff she said to me, so I was like nodding with my mouth half-open. I didn't argue. I was too tired to.

And then at dinner, she tried to be nice to me and all and she was acting like everything is normal, but it's not and aaaaaaaaaaargh, I wish she would just be as mad at me as much as I am at her right now, but she's not mad anymore but I still am and I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.

*@J!*#)%*@()@*@!

Anyways, right now, I'm researching for biology...trying to find out the ingredients of sausages and hot dog buns and ketchup and mustard and all that good stuff. I've decided to go to the library for some more information on digestive processes. Justin and I came up with a pretty cool idea on the aesthetics part. I hope it works, though...

Yeah, anyways, I was really depressed after my fight with my mom because even though we argue a lot, it's never really anything huge and it's always a big joke, but this time, it wasn't...so I went to my room and stayed there...

And my neighbour's car has been parked outside of his townhouse since 4:00 pm, but all the lights are on in his house...*Goes spying on them* Hehe, just joking.

I did something I haven't done in a long time.

In This Head

2006-02-22T18:19:00.000-05:00

Gaaaaaaaaah.
Report cards on Friday.
Jeez, I'm screwed.
Oh, well...
I kind of had no motivation to do well this term.
Unlike last term.
Heh. You all know what I'm talkin' about.
Too bad I didn't have that kind of incentive for second term. Now if I mess up third term, I am DEAD. Literally.

I wonder what's wrong with my mom...she seems kind of sad or something right now. I asked her if she was okay and she just went like, "Yeah..." like she was totally spaced out or something. And I just realized that I sound like a total spaz. I also realized that my mom is acting the same way I do when I'm depressed and sad. So, that's who I got it from. I've always wondered.

Anyways, I've been counting the days till graduation. This summer, I plan to do many things. Hopefully. I'm going to a camp or something along those lines in Washington D.C. for two weeks. And then in August, I'll be in summer school, learning grade 12 physics (yippeee). And then there's the TINY chance that I might go to Warped Tour. Then there's the significantly TINIER chance that I might do something that I've been wanting to do for a loooong time. But, it depends on my parents and we all know what I'll need to get my parents to even consider it. Haha.

I can't wait to grab the world by the balls.

This and That.

2006-02-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

Grr...
Some people are just so...tactless (I almost said "untactful". Jane, you may shoot me) and insensitive. *Grumbles like Marge Simpson*

ANYWAYS, yesterday, I went to Mini-Med and my dad got lost. He circled this one block like ten times before we figured out that we had gone on the wrong street or something. I dunno, but we figured it out.

So, I got to the Med Sci building and then I went in and I was scanning the place for Rebecca and Jer. But I didn't find them, so I just sat down. Then Mok and Mike Chow came, so they sat with me. Oh, I should mention that I tried calling Rebecca and I got her voice mail instead...but she knows what happened with that. And then I tried calling Jer, but I didn't know that his phone had call forwarding to his house, so I got all confused when his mom picked up and told me that he wasn't there. Jeez. So I've decided that next week, I'm just going to stay with them and go on the subway with them.

Anyways...
I have nothing else to say.
So, bye.

Okay, I have one last thing to say.
No, I don't.

ETA: Hah! Yes, I do have one last thing to say, but it took me like an entire night's sleep to figure out exactly what it was that I wanted to say. After reading an interesting Internet article I found after an extremely obscure Googling, I've learned that I need to grow up and that I was wrong in thinking that I was already pretty mature. I have to grow up and stop rolling around pathetically in my own shit. Nobody's going to care if I continue doing that.

Pointlessness

2006-02-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I was looking at this stapler on my desk and it's one of those really big heavy bulky black staplers. Anyways, I was looking at it and I had this sudden overpowering urge to pick it up and smash it through my desk.

God, I think I hate my dad sometimes. He took me driving again and he was yelling in my ear so I got really confused and I didn't know what the fuck I was supposed to be doing, so I just did...something and then my dad got mad at me for not listening to him, even though I didn't know what he wanted me to do in the first place or whatever. God.

I hate this. I think I'm just going to rely on public transportation for the rest of my life. I can help reduce gas pollution that way, too.

Anyways, Tori and I were talking about this on Friday during math class and homeroom. I just realized how screwed I am. I mean, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that we're all going to graduating next year and then it's goodbye high school hello world.

I don't know what I'm saying.

For Once

2006-02-07T21:15:00.000-05:00

For the love of God,
I
Fucking
Hate
This.

Hate.
Hate.
Hate.
Hate.

For once, I just want to die.
I have not felt that way in the longest time.
I just want to die.
I was lying on the couch and I just wanted to slit my wrist with the Xacto knife in my pocket.

It'll go away.
I hope.

Fuck.

The Poor Groom's Bride is a...

2006-02-03T22:22:00.000-05:00

Okay...so, um, first, I guess I should say thanks to everyone who's really encouraged me..about the thing...and since the last entry was so tight-assed, I guess everyone's in need of a funny and not-so-serious entry. So, uh, camera whore-ness!! Yes, I know I change layouts like Britney Spears changed husbands, but this was just too cute.

Um...some old pictures:
- Badly Applied Eyeliner...BAE...band name!!
- I am like SO scenexcore (Jane, I know you'd know what I mean..)
- I must be emooo.
- Aaaarrr!! Me hungry! Feed me! Wait, that's Mikey's line because Gerard doesn't feed him...
- OhmiGod, what is that?!?!
- Aww, that's so sweet...or maybe I just like touching myself there.
- And off to LalaLand we go!

And the recent ones that I took today (check out my schmexy armband):
- Why hello there..
- I'm ready for my close up.
- And the obligatory "emo" side-view picture.
- As my good friend Danica would say: this is my "rawr" face!
- Ooh, me and my equally sexy (but perhaps more so) younger brother...like Gerard and Mikey, but they're both sexy.

And that's all, folks!
I am such a whore.
But you know I'm worth it.

(In)security

2006-01-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

Okay.
Time for me to face the music.
Time for me to confess my biggest insecurity.

I've tried to type up this entry three times over the weekend, but I never got to finish it because:
1. I decided to go watch "Constantine" instead.
2. I was unexpectedly interrupted by my mother as she forced cough syrup and some other nasty medicine down my throat, so naturally, it took five minutes for the medicines to start working and I was about to fall asleep and hit my head on the keyboard, so I just went upstairs and took a nice nap.
3. I just thought, "Screw it" and I never finished the entry.

Anyways, remember all those long periods of self-examination I went through?
Well, none of it prepared me for this.
I mean, it's certainly something I've thought about a lot, but the...what's the word...um, well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I recently realized just how much it affects me. So, I guess it's time to 'fess up.

I've lived here my whole life. Not in Toronto, but in Canada/Ontario, I mean. And ever since I was a kid, I have been so fascinated by movies and music. Most of you know that I desperately wanted to be an actress since I was a kid (but not anymore...it's been replaced by music). I had these fantastical notions and I was such a daydreamer. So, I told my parents and the first thing they said to me about it was: "You'll never make it because you're Asian. The people out there in the movies and music industry only care about white people."

Way to encourage your kid's dreams, huh?

Ever since then, it has plagued me. Sometimes, for days at a time, I would look at my friends and wonder, "Do they have a better shot at it than I do just because I'm Asian?" And a few days ago, I wondered, "What if I never make it just because I'm Asian? What if people accuse me of trying too hard to be 'white'?" I used to think that I was not physically beautiful because I'm not white. I'd beat myself up and tell myself that I'd never make it because Asians don't make it big in the movies and rock out on stage with a microphone and a band. This is what the media has done to me. Me: a totally weirded-out girl who tells people that nothing will stand in my way. Most people know how immersed I am in North American culture. I am almost completely clueless about Asian culture.

Which brings me to my next point: I was born a Korean girl for a reason. It's part of me. So, does that mean that by doing what I want to do will make me less Korean? Will it make that part of my identity slip even farther away? Or am I just delusional and should I just give it all up?

And then it just made me question everything: my passions, my dreams, hopes, etc. I remember that Mr. Jones told our class once that God gives us our passions for a reason and that He doesn't do it just to give us false hope and then spite us by completely dashing our dreams. If that's the case, then why do I feel so hopeless?

Some days, I just think, "Fuck all this shit. I'm going to prove everybody that I can make it." But, right now, I don't feel that way at all. I mean, who would actually give a shit about an Asian who wants to make rock music with a band or an Asian guy who wants to be the next Marlon Brando? But then again, if Paris Hilton is famous, then surely I could be (my poor attempt at humour...). God, I feel like I suck.

I suck because I let myself do this to myself. I suck because I feel hopeless and I promised myself that I will remind myself that there is ALWAYS hope, in some form or other. I suck because I let the media do exactly what it's supposed to do to me, even though I thought I grew up and knew that the media is just a bunch of fucking lies.

For once, I admit that I feel like crying. One of my biggest fears is that I'll die without ever achieving my dreams. I think I'm really messed up.

My biggest insecurity. I've never ever told anyone about it and I never wanted to. Actually, maybe I did want to, but I was too afraid to.

But, isn't this how dreams collapse in the first place? By being afraid?

You know, I started this entry at like 4:00 when I got home and I finished it just now and it's like 9:00 because:
1. My mouse kept hovering over the "close" button.
2. My mom got mad at me for being on the computer.
3. I was doing SAP and English homework.
4. I was tutoring my brother on how he could improve his essay writing.

Well, this ends here.

Halfway There

2006-01-25T12:21:00.000-05:00

Mom: How was your exam?
Me: Okay...
Mom: Just okay?
Me: Yeah...
Mom: How okay?
Me: Um...okay.

That's been our conversation every single day after every single exam. For the love of God, I wish she would stop asking me. When it's over, I'd like to forget about the exam, thank you very much.

Sigh. Physics and chemistry tomorrow. Oh, dear, I'm rather nervous for physics. At least we get a formula sheet. If we didn't, I'd shoot myself.

Funny Radio Commercial of the Day:
"Do you like beer? Do you like watching football? Do you like drinking beer and watching football? Do you like a bikini-clad hottie feeding you a steady stream of chicken wings while drinking beer and watching football? Well, then, the Coors Light deal is the deal for you! Limited time offer only. Any appearance of bikini-clad hotties with chicken wings is purely coincidental. After all, we make beer, not miracles."

Or something like that. I think it's funny.

Hm...I wonder if I should go to the library to study. I want to, but then I'd have to walk and I'm feeling mightily lazy right now..

A Tale of a Chemical Romance

2006-01-22T19:19:00.000-05:00

Monday: English exam; cram for SAP and bio (and world religion, if there's time).
Tuesday: SAP and Bio exams; cram for math, chem, physics and world religion.
Wednesday: Math exam; cram for world religion, chem and physics.
Thursday: Chem and Physics exams; cram for world religion.
Friday: World Religions exam..

Wow, this sucks.

---

A Tale of a Chemical Romance
If I brought you my bullets, would you bring me your love? Would you cheer for sweet revenge?
We met in a vacant 3 by 4 among skylines and turnstiles.
All we are is bullets, so let these mark us as demolition lovers to the end.
We'll give 'em hell.
We'll hang 'em high.
And I'll never let vampires hurt you.
The jetset life is gonna kill us, I know.
I do know what they do to guys like us in prison, but I never told you what I do for a living. For this mirror isn't big enough for the ghost of you and me...and I'm not o-fucking-kay.
Our lady of sorrows, thank you for the venom, in my heart...but kill it now.
With the drowning lessons we had together, let us dive headfirst for halos.
This cemetery drive through early sunsets over Monroeville is the best day ever.
This is the interlude of our romance...

P.S.: This is not a fashion statement, it's a fuckin' deathwish - and I mean this, forever.

Beautiful.

B(l)ah!

2006-01-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or is my mom extra-bitchy these days?
And exams...

Bah!

A Useless List Just Because I Like Lists:
1. SAP: Too much to know.
2. Bio: Same thing
3. English: An annoying subject that I'm not good at.
4. Physics: Ummm...I think I understand it now.
5. Chem: Must review unit 1.
6. Bible: Another annoying subject...
7. Math: A subject that I kinda like, but am forced to take a test for.

I'm such a weirdo. Christmas is already over, but I made a wish list of stuff that I want. I found some cool stuff while looking on eBay and when I'm in uni and I get a real job, then I'm gonna buy all this stuff on eBay. And this summer, I'm going to save up and splurge on Hellblazer comic reprints at B&N. And spend the entire summer reading all of them. I'm going to watch comic book movies and Star Wars all summer and go rock-climbing whenever I can.

I am such a geek.

But, everybody loves geeks.

Ugh, why am I not 100% better from my horrible sickness from Christmas? I've been sick since then...oh, well, it's not too bad anymore. It's just that I wish I could stop coughing. It's really annoying and I've had this cough for like three weeks now, which I don't think is normal.

Lizzie: Why should I go home?
Me & Jess: BECAUSE IT'S NOT NORMAL!!

Hehe. *Looks over and sees bio notes*

Someone shoot me, like NOW.

Just For the Record, The Weather Today...

2006-01-15T19:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, so Panic! At the Disco are playing in Toronto on February 2nd with The Academy Is... and Hellogoodbye. But, of course, I can't go.

They also happen to be playing at the Give It A Name Festival in London and Manchester on April 29 and 30 in England.

And My Chem are headlining the GIAN Festival, too!!

And I can't go because it's all the way in England!!!! Aaaargh, TWO awesome bands playing in the same venue on the same day and I can't be there!!! Aaargh. Well, I think one of the venues have sold out of standing tickets and what kind of person wants to buy seated tickets to a festival like that? Well, if I had the permission to go and nobody sells any standing tickets online, I'd buy seated tickets. Aaargh.

Stupid exams. I curse them to hell.

My mother asked me why I look so depressed. Well, I wonder why. I have seven (eight, actually) to prepare for and I only have a week and two of my favourite bands are playing on the same day in a few months overseas and I'm not going. Yes, I am being pissed off for very minor reasons (well, that and other shit that happened...you know who you are and you know what I'm talking about).

I feel like throwing my stuff out the window.

Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?

A Million Years and Pig Latin

2006-01-12T17:09:00.000-05:00

Note to self: Go to McDonald's after school more often.

All the hot guys seem to go there. There was this one emo-looking dude with a white polo shirt and baggy jeans. HOT. And this one Korean dude with these glasses, but he had a silver hoop earring and hair that fell over his eyes. I was thinking, "Ooh, a nerdy-looking rebel...that's hot, too!" He looked kinda like Mikey, Gerard's brother and MCR's bassist, who by the way is the sexiest nerd around...if I do say so myself. Hehe! In that pic, he looks like he's going, "Ooh yum!"

Anyways, ucking-fay tupid-say exams...For the love of cupcakes, can someone just shoot me? I must:

- Finish my accounting stuff for my ISP..I need five more progress entries by January 23rd.
- Study for: physics, bio, chem, English, SAP, math and world religions exams.
- Physics quiz tomorrow.
- That stupid English assignment that she gave us RIGHT BEFORE EXAMS. ONG!

I fought the war; I fought the war, but the war won't stop for the love of God.

More lists:
- Get a fricking job already.
- Get fit (And for God's sakes, what is wrong with my mother? I told her that I want to take TKD lessons because SHE'S the one who keeps telling me to get fit, but she doesn't want me to because she thinks it'll take time away from studying, but she knows that I'll never exercise unless I take classes or some sort. JEEEEEEEEEEZ!)
- Stop daydreaming!
- Keep writing.
- "How Soon is Now?" by the Smiths; "Monster Hospital" by Metric; "Christmassacre" by FFTL; "We Used to Be Friends" by the Dandy Warhols; "Basketcase" by Greenday; "Whatever it Takes" by the Faders

Ugh, physics quiz tomorrow. I better go study for that. And my other exams.

Uck-fay hool-say.

Censorship Sucks!

2006-01-09T19:11:00.000-05:00

[Warning: I'm pissed.]

Good God, my mom had a like a million bowls of bitchy for breakfast. She's being sooo pissy right now. My dad saw me with my eyeliner on and then he told my mom and she got mad at me for wearing eyeliner! That was pushing it already. And for the love of fucking God, can she just shut up? I swear, every five seconds, it's like, "Sonia, what are you doing? Why? Are you studying for exams? WHY are you doing that?"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She keeps going on about exams. I know that I have fucking exams in two fucking weeks and yes, it is worrisome, but she doesn't have to talk to me like I'm some fucking teenage shithead who doesn't do anything but smoke weed. She is so fucking mean to me and she just laughs like it's some fucking joke, but it does fucking hurt, Mom, when you make say that I'm going to fail my exams and grow up to be a pothead who sleeps in her own shit every night.

God.

She does this all the fucking time. She assumes that all it takes to be happy is a pool of money and to get that pool, I have to study hard. For fuck's sakes, SHE thinks the only way she'll ever be happy if my brother and I get rich, buy her and our dad a fucking mansion with a huge pool and lots of other expensive shiny shit. She thinks people who are smart and rich are the happiest people on the world and that all homeless people are just complete deadbeat asses who don't know fucking shit. And I am so sick of hearing this shit every single fucking day.

I seriously feel like screaming and throwing all of my fucking binders and textbooks out the window. If I had a place to go and a steady job, I'd move out now. I can't fucking take this stupid shit every single day.

Yes, I am mad.

I'm a sponge, like Mr. Philip and Mrs. Lindstrom said. And you know what comes out of me when you press me just the tiniest bit? Anger and rage. You just poke me on one side and all this anger comes shooting at you right between the eyes like a bullet.

I am feeling so "Fuck You" right now. It's not "fuck me", it's "fuck you." My parents complain that I don't what they tell them and they ask me why I do everything they don't want me to do. Maybe it's because they're trying to control me and it gives me satisfaction when I give them a "Fuck you!" in one way or another because it shows them that they can't completely control me no matter how hard they try.

Break From This Routine

2006-01-05T17:19:00.000-05:00

I still have trouble sleeping. Not sure why...last night, I was lying in bed awake for like two hours. And I drank all of my creative juice.

Okay, I admit it: I'm frustrated. With what? With:
- Life
- School
- Family
- Most importantly: myself.

Once again, I'm going through yet another period of self-examination. I'm not getting anywhere, though. I think I'm just going through it because I feel like I need some new answers when I don't. I already know what I need to know and what I want to know. And besides, my "period of self-examination" consists of me tapping my desk with my pen, watching my brother glare at his computer monitor and yell at non-existent people, listening to music and my dog sleeping.

When the hell am I going to get off my lazy ass and actually DO something about all the stuff I bitch about?! I mean...I'm trying to refrain from using certain words here...but, yeah, this is just so sheltered and limited. There's so much more than this, but when am I going to go out and actually experience it?

Now that I think about it, maybe it's just the typical teen angst. Ha. Ha. I need to meet new people. I wonder where I can meet new people. I need to go to new places. I need a change. To go somewhere where there are no walls. Walls and I don't really like each other. We have arguments everytime I see one.

And I don't understand chemistry. Stupid chemistry. Stupid exams.

Stupid school.

Stupid EVERYTHING.

Uninspiration

2006-01-03T12:14:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep at night.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
And my arm is covered in pink with more random things I have written on it.
My arm = My Post-it note.

These days, I find myself grabbing my hair in frustration and messing it up. But, eventually, my hair goes back to being normal. So maybe it's a sign that even though things seem very bad, maybe it's not and it'll be okay. I'm okay now.

I like From First to Last's "Note to Self".

Note to self: I miss you terribly. This is what we call a tragedy.

Except Sonny Moore is kind of weird looking.

Only six more months until the summer. I kind of surprise myself. I never realized how much I love the summer. I want to live somewhere like Miami or L.A. where it's summer all year round. I think it's because the days are long. It gives me an excuse to stay up.

I'm so creatively uninspired right now. For the first week of the holidays, I was on a creative high. But, now, my creative juice has dried up. Well, for now, at least. Just uninspired.

Where is everybody?

Happy New Year? No, more like STUPID New Year.

2006-01-01T19:18:00.000-05:00

Okay...what a stupid and pointless day.

I woke up. It was like nearly eleven. At twelve, my parents said that we should go out for lunch. So, we did. And it was pretty fun. And then we went to this big empty parking lot at this mall so that they could teach me how to drive. I was pretty excited. So, I got into the driver's seat and my dad was sitting next to me and my mother and brother were at the back.

Me: Okay, so what do I do?
Dad: Okay, first change it to "D". (So, I did that.)
Mom: Try driving forward a little bit. (So, I did that.)
Dad: Now, try making a left turn. (So, I try to do that.) No!!! You turn the wheel like this!!!
Mom: Stop it!!! Just let her do some straight driving!!!
Dad: Honey, I'll handle this!! Okay, understand? (By now, my foot's on the brake).
Mom: She doesn't know how to handle that yet!!! (More yelling ensues.)
Dad: Why aren't you moving?!
Me: Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!
Mom: See?!!!
Dad: Well, I didn't tell you to stop!!

God, words cannot express how much I wanted to yell at both of them at that moment. And then more crap happened at dinner, which I do not wish to discuss. But, I can say that what happened really really made me mad.

Happy fucking New Year's, everyone.

Mwahaha! Another new layout!

2005-12-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

Oh, yes, kids. Another new layout.

This time: the sexy guys of MCR.

I was bored. And very sick. And then Sam suggested that I look at some of the MCR layouts at blogskins.com.

So, I did. And I found this one. And I loved it very much. So, new layout = new year. My parents are going to teach me how to drive tomorrow. I can't wait. If only I wasn't sick. Well, I'm getting better. At least I'm feeling healthier than I did yesterday. But I still can't sing and I sound funny when I talk.

I really must do something productive today.

That's all.

ETA: I can't believe I forgot to wish Bob an awesome Bob-day!!!!!!!! You can't deny that Bob is the coolest drummer ever. He's the one with the blond hair. Happy Bob-day, Bob (a.k.a. Danica's lover)!!!

Can You Save My Soul Tonight?

2005-12-30T15:09:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt this miserable since I got my wisdom teeth pulled out.

My throat's on fire. I've completely lost my voice, so I can't sing when I'm home by myself and God knows that I have loads of fun doing that. My nose is runny. I can't stop coughing and it's the kind of cough where your whole body aches when you cough and now I can't stop sneezing! So I'm coughing AND sneezing while my whole body is like shivering, even though I'm sweating like it's summertime.

Blaaaaaaaaah.

I have many things I'd like to say to myself for getting so sick, but it's not very pleasant. Exams are these huge purple elephants standing on my feet, which I'm trying to ignore, but really, I can't. I'm so nervous about them, but because I'm sick, I haven't done anything productive this entire week.

Okay, I wrote a few songs, but that's all really.

Once again: blaaaaah.

I'm drinking some honey-and-really-really-hot-water mixture. I just burned my tongue. I want to sleep. Or watch TV. Why is my mother making me study when I'm so sick?! Aaargh.

Jane, I have "Under Pressure" stuck in my head. Pressing down on me; pressing down on you...why can't we give love that one more chance? Why can't we give love, give love, give love? I like Freddie Mercury's voice. I also like the cover that MCR and the Used did of the song together. I'd dance to it if I wasn't so sick.

2005-12-28T18:13:00.000-05:00

I got my G1 today.

Yay.

I know...I said I was gonna get it yesterday but the place was closed yesterday, too. So, bleh.

Right now, I have decided that I must:
- Start studying for exams.
- Get working on my accounting ISP.
- Go wall climbing.
- Start doing something about all this stuff I have to stop dwelling on.

Is it just me or have I been feeling more angsty lately? Must be the music I'm listening to. My Chem isn't angst. It must be the Linkin Park then. Or maybe I'm just paranoid and looking for an excuse because in truth, I don't really have one.

Yeah. See that? A mild manifestation of that dreaded cliched "teenage angst".

Another day wasted. When am I going to stop sitting on my ass and do something? I guess when my ass disappears because then I'll have nothing to sit on. You know things are wrong when you start talking to your headphones and new mp3 player, which have mysteriously become your best friends.

And here's a dorky joke from Mikey Way, the biggest dork of them all, to keep you amused:
"A man walks into a bar...and says, 'Ouch!'"

Christmassacre and the Aftermath

2005-12-26T18:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah...

So, on my birthday, all of my relatives came over. And then we did the cake thing. So I blew out the sixteen candles. And I thought, "I've got one less year to live. I hope I make the most of it."

And then my Aunt Deborah gave me a shotglass and she poured some V8 Splash Fruit Juice into it and I drank it. Then all the adults started cheering and I was thinking, "WTF?? What are they cheering about?" And then my aunt giggled and told me she put some alcohol in it. Later, my dad told me that the drink she had put in the fruit juice was 15% alcohol. And all the adults were like, "Yay! Sonia's an adult now!"

Okay, then.

I couldn't get my G1 on Saturday because the stupid place was closed. I hope I go tomorrow. I better go ask my dad about it. Oh, yay. Apparently, we are going tomorrow. I hope I pass. I barely studied.

Anyways, Christmas yesterday was really boring for me. All I did was sleep, eat, watch stuff on MuchMusic, and nothing interesting happened. I didn't leave the house at all. Today was also very uneventful. I woke up at 10:30 and when I came downstairs, there was a new flat-panel high-definition TV on the floor. And I was like "WTF??" as usual and my dad told me that he got it at BestBuy and he went there at like 5:30 in the morning.

My dad is crazy..but he's still cool. Then, my dad gave the TV to my brother because he's been bugging my parents about a high-definiton TV all month.

I honestly don't know what to say. I'm happy with the stuff I got. And they probably don't even come close to what the TV cost. Blah.

Ooh, Timbits. I inhaled like six of them today.

My Birthday Post

2005-12-24T18:52:00.000-05:00

So this is sixteen.

I didn't get my G1 today. The place was closed. So I must wait until Tuesday.

Anyways, Frances got me "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" for my birthday/Christmas. And my brother took it to the car and put it in the stereo. So, we were listening to it, but then my mom was like, "Why is this music so noisy?" And she turned it down sooo low. Then, we went over to the mall to pick my dad because we were going out for lunch. So, we were waiting in the car and listening to MCR. Then, my dad came and he's like, "What's this music?" And I told him that it was the band that James and I saw on December 1. And all he said was, "Oh."

And then he turned the volume way up.

Like really loud.

My dad is so cool.

So, my brother and I were rocking out to MCR in the van. It was quite fun.

My relatives have come over for dinner. I'm awaiting the arrival of Arnold and Anthony. My younger cousins are all here. I am playing around with my new mp3 player. It's the bean/lung/kidney one. I'm very grateful to my parents.

Oh...apparently, Arnold went to one of those weird bohemian coffee bars to read a poem in front of a big crowd and then beatbox afterwards. Too bad I don't know where he went. I want to see him beatbox. That'd be the ultimate birthday present.

And I can't end this post without saying happy birthday to my birthday sister, Iszy. Every year, we're going to grow old together. And as Jessica said, we're one year older today. And we've got one less year to live.

Sixteen-year-old me in my birthday suit.

Anxiety and Brownies

2005-12-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired today. I made brownies and they turned out weird. I don't know what they taste like and I'm kind of afraid to give them out to my friends. I poured the batter into the pan...and when I took it out, the very edges were like crunchy. I better tell my friends not to take the ones that look suspicious.

I'm so tempted to eat one. But I mustn't.

Anyways, lately, I've been thinking about a lot of stuff. I think I have some sort of anxiety disorder. Whenever I don't get important things done NOW, then I act like it's the end of the world. Like literally. Like right now, Nathan P has my t-shirts for my accounting ISP, but not everyone has paid me and I'm like panicking because I feel like I'm going to get attacked if I don't pay him back ASAP. Aaaand I forgot to get the pictures printed out and stuff, so I'm kind of behind on stuff. And I feel like I'm a complete failure right now.

Argh.

Am I sorry I ever saw him? No. I'm just sad knowing that we'll never ever never ever never ever be together. But, he's happy with her: some mysterious girl I don't even know. He doesn't even know I exist anyways. We've never even met.

Random Update

2005-12-21T10:49:00.000-05:00

"hiiiiiii sonia's faaaaaaaaaaaaans"

Hehe. That was Rebecca, everybody. We're sitting in spare together right now, trying to do the chem lab. Grr...why is school so annoying? And I am feeling mightily pissy right now because we just had an accounting quiz on some verses or something and Mrs. C told us that we didn't have to memorize it, but she made us write it out on the quiz anyways.

Oh, well.

I bought brownie mix yesterday. I'm going to make some tomorrow evening. I don't want to go to the concert tonight. This is a stupid committment on my part.

"oh this is so special. I partake in Sonia's glorios blog! OH the privilige!"

That was Jane. Anyways, why must school suck?

"Don't do drugs. And stay in school. Oh, and blowing up things is fun. n_n!"

And that was Elizabeth. I agree with her whole-heartedly. If you don't go to high school, you'll definitely end up in jail. At least that's what Gerard said. You all know he's right because well...it's Gerard.

I like my hair. You all know it's uber-sexy.

Hair Dye and Confessions

2005-12-19T16:58:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is. Maybe it was spontaneously streaking my hair red on the weekend just because I felt like it or maybe it's just because it's the last week of school before the holidays...but everything doesn't seem to be as bad as they really are.

But, at the back of my mind, I know how bad things are.

Anyways, it's a bit early for the New Year, but whatever. I want to start 2006 with a clean slate. I won't make New Year's resolutions because they're so cliched and nobody ever keeps them anyways.

So, instead of making New Year's resolutions, I'm going to make New Year's confessions. I'm just going to get all the bad stuff I've been keeping in my head for the past year and just let it out so I won't have any bad luggage to take with me into 2006.

You. Yeah, you. I'm so sick of you. If you're wondering if it's you, then it's not you. You know who you are. You know you're not really my friend and that I don't really like it. Just grow up and get over it.
Stop thinking and acting like you're so cool. Just stay away from me and just don't talk to me ever.
You are such a bitch. And you know it. And stop acting like I hate you or something. The only reason I hate you now is because you thought I hated you before when I didn't hate you. And then that just made me hate you because you accused me of hating you when I didn't. Well, accuse me all you want now because I'm not going to prove something that's not true.
When are you going to learn to be yourself?
Stop trying to make the world run the way you want it to. Nobody cares.
Just...grow up, okay?

Hm...looking back on this list, I see that I've been harbouring a lot of hate and animosity.

Well, now that I've got that all off my chest, I feel clean. This whole year, I felt dirty. The kind of dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes. Like a stain that never comes off the sheets.

Kids These Days

2005-12-15T19:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I went to McDonald's right after school to pick up some food...Yeah, I know I keep talking about "getting fit", but c'mon..it's McDonald's. And there were these three kids, my age, from that school Cardinal Carter standing in front of me...and one guy was like standing behind his girlfriend I presumed and it looked like he was airhumping her or something..

And my dad was right beside me.

Anyways, some other lady went to the second cashier and asked for the next person in line. And I didn't realize that the guy hadn't ordered because he was so busy airhumping his girlfriend. And then his girlfriend's friend asked me what school I go to because I was still in my uniform.

Me: *Raises eyebrow* Um...People's Christian Academy.
Girl: Oh, yeah, I go to Cardinal Carter...
Me: Yeah, I can see that.
Girlfriend: Linda, you're always trying to make friends.
Weird Guy: *High-pitched voice* Hi, I'm Linda and I like to make new friends.
Me: *Raises eyebrow*

Afterwards, my dad was commenting on those weird kids..

Me: They were so weird..
Dad: Yeah, they were.

Anyways, I'm watching Veronica Mars...such an awesome shoooow.

Why is my mother being so annoying right now?

Sonia's Crazy Morning Adventure

2005-12-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

(I know...I've been updating like crazy this weekend, but I just have to update with my stupid and dumbassedly funny adventure of this morning)

I woke up a little late, but went downstairs for a quick bowl of cereal and Nestea. Suddenly, my mother appeared and she looked like a zombie.

Me: O_O Whoa, Mom...are you okay?? What time did you get back last night?
Mom: Uh...honey, I'm too tired to take you to school today...you'll have to take the bus.
Me: What!! Great...but I guess I really shouldn't say anything because some people have to take the bus every day in this cold...are you okay, though? Don't tell me you're hungover.
Mom: *Quite obviously hung over* Of course not...I'm going back to sleep now. *Goes upstairs*

So, I walked to the Sheppard and Doris intersection where there's a bus stop. And I was waiting to cross the street to the bus stop when suddenly, the bus stops in front of the bus stop. And I was like, "ONG!!!!" (Hehe, Rebecca...*winkwink*) and I was about to run across the street, but then I realized that there were at least fifty cars speeding by me and then the bus drove away. I was so pissed off.

Anyways, I crossed the street and began waiting...and waiting...luckily, I had my mp3 player to keep me company. By now, there were like two or three other people waiting with me and the bus FINALLY came!! So, I got on the bus and I was like, "How come there are so little people on this bus...isn't it usually really full??" The bus started to drive away...and I realize that I'm the only one who's gotten on the bus!! And I thought, "Um...okay then..."

So the bus drove halfway between my house and the school...and the route from my house to the school is just straight. But then...the bus driver started turning left. And I started freaking out.

Me: Sir, where in the ong are we going??!!!
Mr. Bus Driver: Excuse me?? *Thinking, 'Crazy teenager!!'*
Me: I mean, what route is this??
Mr. BD: Um...Willowdale.
Me: You mean it's not Sheppard?!?! *Pulls yellow string and runs out of the bus*

Luckily, the bus stop was like three steps into Willowdale Ave. and since I know the area like the back of my hand, it was really easy for me to find my way to school. Anyways, I got to the school during "O Canada". I signed in and went to class.

And then Justin asked me why I was wearing jeans under my kilt. So, I went to my locker and took them off. I am so grateful that Mrs. Lee did not see.

And this has been "Sonia's Crazy Morning Adventure."

I'm so tired. I think I'll take a nap. Luckily, I won't feel guilty about it because we have that SAP trip to the library tomorrow. Yay!!

These Words

2005-12-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

Why is it so cold and why is it snowing so much? The winter here starts too early and it ends too late.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing and my arm is covered in ink with random thoughts and song lyrics that popped into my head. My brain's a mess and my hair is evidence of that.

Mm, hot chocolate is so great on a day like this. I'm getting tired of seeing the same walls everyday. I need to go somewhere where there are no walls, like a Caribbean beach or skydiving over the Rocky Mountains...or something.

I'm acting like nothing's happening. I think that's a bit unhealthy of me. I'm always trying to ignore everything, just hoping it'll go away. And I'm talking about actually doing something to solve problems, not just bitch about them.

Billy Corgan has an oddly appealing voice. Too bad the Smashing Pumpkins aren't together anymore.

2005-12-07T20:07:00.000-05:00

We say we hate our lives.

We say there's nothing good left.

We say this world is cold and empty.

Well, guess what? If we're still alive, our missions on earth aren't done yet. Maybe our mission is to save one person's life somehow. If we killed ourselves now, we'd be killing that person who's life goes unsaved because we're not there. The tragedy isn't killing yourself; it's the person you disappointed by not being there.

Life is worth living. For that one person.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
- Dorothy Parker

A Prayer Post

2005-12-05T16:26:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

I just need Your help right now. You know why I'm asking and what's going on. Maybe I'm being a drama queen and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing because stuff like that happens to other people all the time, right? But it's never happened to me before and I don't know exactly how to deal with it.

I'm nervous. And scared.

I know I usually say that I can take whatever comes at me, but this time, it's not just me. My family is scared and nervous, too.

For once, I want You to hold my hand through this.

The one and only: My Chemical Romance!!!

2005-12-02T16:23:00.000-05:00

Suddenly...it doesn't really matter to me whether or not I failed my English and math tests.

Consider this concert virgin officially deflowered.

Okay, so right after that horrendous math test, I ran to the washroom, changed and then ran out to my dad's car. I practically jumped in, closed the door and yelled, "LET'S GO!!" at the same time. I could barely eat my MacDonald hamburgers and fries and I was trying not to drink too much Diet Coke because I didn't want to have to go to the washroom later during the concert.

Anyways, we had a hell of a time trying to find the place because it's HUGE. So huge that they have different wings, but they're all connected and it's one huge building. So, at around 4:10-ish, we got there and we found the right wing entrance(Arrow Hall, Hall 5). My brother and I got out and we took a bag with us that was full of snacks and water. Oh, and my mother gave us bags of red pepper powder to use to defend ourselves, but we didn't take them. We didn't even eat any snacks at all. Anyways, the people had set up those lanes where people line up and stuff and my brother and I were in the middle of the second lane, which I didn't think was too bad. We stood there, talking and stuff. And then at 5:30-ish, I told my brother to take my jacket and the bag back to our dad so we wouldn't have to carry them in. But, my dad had already left, even though he said he was gonna wait until we went in!!! And we started panicking because I didn't know what we were gonna do. So, we called our dad and demanded that he come back. And then 6:00 came and we were SUPPOSED to be inside by then, but security took FOREVER to let people in.

So, anyways, my dad came and he was standing at the entrance and when we went in, we dumped our stuff on him, said goodbye and he warned us to be careful. So, my brother and I went in, went to the washrooms and then we discovered how HUGE this place was. It was MASSIVE. And not a lot of people were at the floor yet because it wasn't showtime, so my brother and I went and we got spots like five rows back, which was really close. And then people started getting impatient, so everyone at the front decided to start a mosh pit even though there was no band. And my brother and I were right in the middle of it. It was all sorts of crazy. And we got pushed back and then Circa Survive came on. But, I wasn't really paying attention to them because I was concentrating on making sure my brother was still with me and staying standing up. And sooo many people were smoking weed and pot. And three really weird guys were standing next to me. One guy pushed a couple of girls aside and moved forward. Then he called his two friends to come up to him and he tried to pull them forward, but a girl got caught under them because they were pretty tall. And the guy was like, "Dude, there's a girl there. I'll just come when people aren't so crazy." And the other guy was giving people some candy and he was saying, "Why is everyone asking if they're drugs?! I haven't done drugs for years!" And then he offered me and my brother some, but I said, "No, thanks." Then, he started yelling and said, "OH MY FUCKING GOD, THEY'RE NOT DRUGS!!!" And then he ran off.

So, we just let a horde of people go in front of us and soon, we were at the edge of the moshpit, but that was okay. And then Circa Survive ended and I realized that my hearing had gone weird. Everyone was talking in normal voices now, but it all sounded soooo muffled. My brother and I were like, "Can you hear me?!?!?!" More people were milling around and my brother and I were kinda bored because we don't really know Thrice's music either. One guy was sooo rude. He pushed me over so hard because I was in front of his girlfriend, but she was like taller than me and could clearly see over me...Well, anyways, FINALLY, at 8:45-ish, Thrice is like, "Now My Chem's gonna come on because that's who all you've all been waiting for!!" More cheering and then they left.

People started heading towards the washroom and we sloooowly migrated to the side because it was DANGEROUS to be in the fucking mosh pit. I did not want to lose my brother. After a while, he took out his empty water bottle, put it on the floor and said, "Let's see how long it stays standing up." And people started to get impatient and everyone was trying to get to the front, so we got knocked back a little, but I didn't care as long as I could see. And the stage had this HUGE black screen in front of it while MCR were setting up behind it. I could hear Gerard doing his mike check from behind the screen and I almost died. And then at 9-ish, the lights dimmed and the crowd just goes fucking CRAZY. Just fucking wild.

The black screen went down, pyrotechnics went off and lights went flashing at the exact same moment and the crowd just went fucking wild again. And Gerard's like, "Hi, Canada!!!!!" And they started with "Thank You for the Venom". And then he said, "Hey...people are getting kinda squished at the front. So on the count of 3, I want you all to back up. 1! 2! 3! Back the fuck up, please! And if you're not feeling so great, I want you to get the fuck out of here and get yourself to the washrooms right now!! But you're all lookin' preeeettyyy healthy..."

I sang/screamed along to every single song and I jumped around like hell. It was COOL when the entire crowd would start jumping and it felt like we were moving the entire fucking earth. Let's see, if I remember correctly, they played:

Thank You for the Venom
Romance (with lyrics!!!!)
Cemetery Drive
I Never Told You What I Do For a Living
Helena
The Ghost of You
Give 'Em Hell, Kid
Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For the Both of Us
Hang 'Em High
It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish
Our Lady of Sorrows
Disenchanted
To The End
The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You
You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison

Some other highlights:
- Gerard telling us that the band's gonna be on TV tomorrow. And then he said, "TV's gonna rot your fucking brains right out of your heads."
- Gerard blowing a kiss to the crowd!!! (I nearly died!)
- Gerard saying, "This is our farewell tour...for 'Three Cheers'!!" ("Three Cheers" is their latest album...they're releasing a new album next year)
- The band playing "Disenchanted"!! It's a song they wrote for their new album and I was the only one in my section who knew the words because obsessive me downloaded a clip of them performing it at another show a few weeks ago.
- Someone threw a t-shirt on stage and Gerard picked it up and said, "Oh...a t-shirt for me. Why, thank you."
- Gerard constantly calling us "motherfuckers." He said, "We've got the world by the balls, motherfuckers."

And then they went off stage and everything went dark. I was like, "Oh, no, is it over?!?! It can't be fucking over!! They didn't release the fucking confetti!!" So the whole crowd started yelling again and a few moments later, they came back on and played "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)". And then at the same time Bob crashed those drum cymbals for the last beat, a huge cloud of red and white confetti fell on us, but it mostly fell on the people at the front. And then it was over and I was uber-sad...

I was wishing that I could go to the back of the building to meet them, but I knew my parents weren't going to let me stay. So my brother and I walked back to the car and everyone was being sooo rowdy. Some guy was standing up through the sun roof of his car and he was belting out, "I'm noooooot ooooooookaaaaaaaaaay!!!!" And everyone was cheering and my mom was like, "Why is everyone being so wild and rowdy?" I told her that I'd be doing the same thing if she and my dad weren't there. And then she forbade me to ever go to another concert until I graduate. My ears were ringing when I got home and dumped myself into bed. It felt so cool.

I feel so different now that I've been something so crazy like that and I lived to tell everyone about it. I can't fucking wait till they come to Canada again. Next time, I will fight my way to front row.

We never saw the water bottle again.

[Edit: It's now Saturday...I don't know if this is possible, but I've realized that I'm even more in love with the band now.]

What an effed-up day...

2005-11-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

Today was an effing BAD day.

First, it started with me having a dream that I met MCR and they asked me if I wanted to go to Gerard and Mikey's house..and I said, "Dudes...we're in Toronto and Gerard and Mikey live in New Jersey.." But, we went there anyways and Gerard hugged me and took a picture of me and signed my ticket stub...and then I woke up, thinking, "Oh wow...I went to Gerard's house in New Jersey and back in one night..." And then I realized it was a dream.

Anyways, the morning at school wasn't that bad. But, then I remembered that Lizzie was sick, so I asked Mrs. Lee to pray for her (get better soon!!!). And I don't get chem because Miss Ng wasn't here. And then Jessica and I aren't friends anymore because I ditched her for Merke. (Jessica, I'm sorry!!!! Please be my friend again!!!)

But, the afternoon was terrible...HORRIBLE for me. First, I did so badly on the physics quiz we had. I didn't understand one of the questions. And then Mrs. Crouse reminded us of the English test and then she reminded me of drama. And I don't have my lines down solid. And then in math, we had a quiz and I didn't get one of the questions. And there were two questions on the quiz.

Someone just please...please take a gun and put me out of my misery. Or else I'll do it myself.

Wait, I can't do that. I have to survive till Thursday. And THEN I'll put myself out of my misery.

All the Stupid Crap I Have to Finish Before Thursday Because Thursday Will Be the Best Day of My Life
1. Bible: Quiz tomorrow...I memorized the Shema. And the Bible website. Nearly finished it...kind of.
2. SAP: Assignment due on Thursday and quiz tomorrow.
3. Chem: I don't get chem. Whatever.
4. English: Effing test...
5. Physics/Math: Oh, Lord, I hope I didn't do TOO badly on those quizzes...*Prays*

...is it Thursday yet???

It's Confirmed.

2005-11-27T14:28:00.000-05:00

Songs I'm Tired of Hearing on the Radio:
1. "Photograph" - Nickelback
2. "So She's Leaving" - The Trews
3. "When the Night Feels My Song" - Bedouin Soundclash

Bands I have Discovered, Thanks to the Radio
1. Closet Monster
2. Protest the Hero
3. Depeche Mode
4. Metric

Anyways, to add to my Christmas wish-list, there's the very sweet, very awesome, VERY KICK-ASS Sony Walkman E300. Ooooh, I want one...

I have to finish my homework ASAP.

BTW, for those you wondering:

I'm going.

This is Sonia Kim, reporting LIVE from her computer chair.

2005-11-25T21:46:00.000-05:00

First order of business: I set up the blog for our (Peter and me) website for Bible. YES, we got stuck with circumcision, but let's all be mature about it, okay? So I don't want people spamming my comments box with lewd and perverted jokes about circumcision or masturbation or whatever. Okay?

Secondly: The aftermath of report cards. I'm happy. Truly I am. And my parents are happy. Okay, all they said to me was, "Good job, Sonia. Now you'll have a new standard to go by. So get higher next time." Meh. And sooo...yeah...nothing's confirmed yet (for those of you who know what I'm talkin' about), but it's not exactly a definite "no" either...

Thirdly: Um...I can't think of a thirdly. *Sits here and thinks...and thinks...* I'm drawing a complete blank here. I'm going to be materialistic and make up a list of things I want for Christmas.

Sonia's Christmas Wish List
1. Gerard Way (just joking!!)
2. "War of the Worlds" DVD
3. An MCR poster
4. "Veronica Mars" Season 1 DVD Set

Yeah, that's all I can think of right now.

Untitled...because Arnold is too awesome for that.

2005-11-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

Arnold: Have you read "Oliver Twist"?
Me & James: Yeah.
Arnold: Wouldn't it funny if Charles Dickens called it "Oliver Straight"?
We all exchange looks and start laughing loudly. Our parents and grandparents tell us to shut up because they can't hear each other with us laughing.
James: Hey wait...isn't there a character in that book named Fagin??
More laughing and more "Be quiet, you three!!" from the adults.
Arnold: Ohmigod...and Charles DICK-ens!!
Parents: BE QUIET!!
James: It's too perfect...hey, look! KFC! Colonel Sanders is the KFC man.
Arnold writes "KFC Man" on the window because it's all fogged up. Then he writes it as KF CMan. He and James start laughing.
Me: I don't get it.
Arnold: Okay, it's "KF" and then "C-man".
Hilarity ensued.
Me: And then you could switch the "KF" to "FK". Oh, wait...that just makes it worse.
Laughing...again.
Me: Want an Oreo, you guys?
Arnold: Yeah, sure...
Me: Why are you staring at your Oreo?
Arnold: Why do you like roller coasters?
Me: ?? Because...they're fast and they give me a thrill.
Arnold: Exactly! You go through something really dangerous and then you live to tell the tale, right?
Me: Right.
Arnold: Well, this Oreo is like filling your car with Nos and then starting it up at 100 km/hr and then blasting out the Nos. As long as you control the car, you can cheat death and live to tell the tale. With this Oreo and its God-knows-what saturated fats, I can eat it and as long as I control the number of them I eat, I can cheat death and live to tell the tale.
He stuffs the entire Oreo whole into his mouth.
Arnold: Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

I love these family dinners we have.

It's here...!!!!

2005-11-19T13:45:00.000-05:00

Sniff.

Sob.

Excuse me.

I have something in my eye.

Okay, recap of last night:

7:45 - Jasmine came over. We goofed around, watched a rerun of "CSI", and I had spaghetti for dinner.

9:00 - Arrived at Empress Walk. HUGE line-up for a movie. We called Justin on my cell and we were sooo fidgety. A group of teens were sitting and playing poker in the middle of the line.

9:30 - FINALLY let us go in. We nabbed some seats on the side.

9:45 - I practically started screaming when the movie theatre got dark. Then, the movie started. And then...I felt myself being sucked back into the Potter-verse.

12:25 - Movie ended. We went back to my place, had some pizza and stayed up till ike 3, discussing the movie.

Overall, the movie was. AWESOME. The special effects, the acting, the cinematography, the action, the intensity. Everything was soo good. The flaws weren't that big enough to take away the excitement. It was very edge-of-your-seat. It was so great. I can't wait for the DVD.

BTW, my t-shirts came. I will be making them during next week. Possibly on Monday night, IF we don't have an assload of homework and stuff.

Oh, man...the word.

Thought(s) of the Day!!!

2005-11-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

Today's entry will be a list of random thoughts going on through my head right now:

OMGWTFBBQ, where the eff are my t-shirts?!?!? If I don't get them soon, I'm gonna fail my accounting ISP and then I'll be sad to the max and then...
All we are...all we are...is bullets, I mean this..
Why did I have to go and be a blithering flaming gonzo idiot and completely mess up the chem quiz?
"Halleujah Chorus" performed by MCR...sweeeet.
Stupid bio homework!
OH!! Only tomorrow and Thursday left till Friday!!
And Friday means Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!! (I'm sorry you can't come, Iszy!!! *Emo tear*)
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning...forever and ever! Know how much I want to show you you're the only one. Like a bed of roses, there's a dozen reasons in this gun.
I need to finish this effing bio homework and go to sleep.
Note to self: wake up early and wash hair.
We got a new van!! My father and brother had the typical male reactions and went on a million kilometres per second talking about all the cool stuff about it.
Late dawns and early sunsets...
Okay, I just gotta survive this week and next week. I hope I can do that...
Hm...Og, is that the time?
I'm on #15. Oh, yeah!! 15 days left!!!!! I remember when there were 30 days left...now it's 15. Mwahahaha.
But, if I don't survive next week, then there's no point in counting down...
Th-th-th-the w-w-w-w-word...*shoots self* Hello, angel, tell me: where are you? Tell me where we go from here. And in this moment, we can close our lids on burning eyes. Still corpses stretch out towards an ending sun: scorched and black.
This list is getting kinda long and I'm running out of things to say..
SAP class is awesome. Hehehe. Oh, shoot, I have to read that article. I'll do that tomorrow during spare....Eeep, but she said it's pop quizzable....sigh.
The word.

And that's all, folks!! (I was on the subway and I was listening to MCR. I started bobbing my head to the music and when I stood up to get off at Sheppard-Yonge, I realized that some people were looking at me. I had to resist the urge to yell out, "That's all, folks!!" and exit with a sweeping bow.)

Titleless (because I can't think of one)

2005-11-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

I still can't chew...yeesh.

Monday: Surgery. Hurt like a mother...well, you know.

Tuesday: Woke up in the morning and thought, "Holy shite, I gained 20 pounds overnight!" Was pretty miserable for the rest of the day.

Wednesday: Went to school for physics and english classes only. Went home, ate congee and slept for the rest of the day. Was fairly miserable, but not so much.

Thursday: Went to school. Swelling was decreasing somewhat, but it was still there.

Friday: Swelling has definitely gone down. Realized that on the chem test, I wrote down Avogadro's Constant as 6.02*10^24, NOT 6.02*10^23. I told Tori that I was such a dumbass and then Merke laughed at me because he seemed to find that funny. And that was pretty damn depressing. I still can't chew and I'm bitter over that.

Rebecca and I talked about thinking back to when we were younger and seeing how much we've changed. I think I've changed positively. I hope..

And that was really stupid of me. I just tried to chew on something. Yeesh. When is my mouth going to be normal again...?

I'm Okay! (I Promise)

2005-11-07T15:10:00.000-05:00

If your dentist tells you that your wisdom teeth do not have to be removed, be VERY happy.

So, I woke up this morning, kinda nervous and thirsty as hell. But, I couldn't drink anything because the doc told me not to. I go to the place. The nurse was so funny. Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" was playing on the radio and she was singing along to it. Anyways, she put the laughing gas mask on me and strapped me down and everything. She put this plastic thing around my wrist and apparently, that was to measure my heart rhythm and she said it was a bit high, but it was just because I was nervous. Anyways, then she gave me some medicine to relax and then suddenly, I was out like a light.

When I woke up, I was in one of the recovery rooms and I was like, "Mmish eed ober...?" My dad said, "Are you okay??" My mouth felt like someone had stuffed a boulder in it. The nurse came in and said that I should be fine and told us that we could go...and I was so disoriented and drowsy. I got home, my mouth was hurting like hell and bleeding and my mouth was numb. My mom helped me go to my room and I went out like a light again. I woke up at like 1:30 p.m. and I tried to drink some water, but my mouth was still numb, so I ended up drooling all over the place. And then I saw a drop of blood fall to the floor. And another one. Suddenly, there was a steady stream of blood falling and I was thinking, "Shit.." So I stuffed some gauze into my mouth. Finally, the bleeding stopped and the numbness was going away. I can talk properly and it doesn't hurt so much, but it feels weird. I can feel my stitches with my tongue.

And I'm sure nobody needed to know that. Other than the stupid throbbing pain and the weird feeling of the stitches, I'm okay and I feel like watching "Matrix Reloaded", so that's what I'm gonna do.

[Saturday!] This was the best day ever.

2005-11-06T13:57:00.000-05:00

Wow...yesterday was sooo crazy for me.

Okay, first I went downtown to Queen Street West and it's awesome there. I passed by 299 Queen St. W and for those of you who don't know, that's like where all of Toronto's major TV studios are: MuchMusic, CHUM, CityTV, etc., etc. But they weren't doing anything at MM, so it wasn't all that interesting. And there was this club there that was having this pre-launch party thing for Xbox 360 and of course, my brother and his best friend went there and played and stuff. That was pretty fun. I didn't play, though. I just sat there and watched.

And then...the BREAD. Jess, fear the sound of the clunk!! And uh, we've figured out why there's famine in the world: because Vic, Mok and Kenny eat everything!! (BTW, those who have picsss, post/send them, please!!!!!) We have lived up to our name as "loud, rowdy and obnoxious teenagers" (*ahem*, Isabel...let's do this for our b-day and piss the people off! "Sorry, we're closed!"). Ohppa, a seagull just flew over us! That was some funny shit. And nobody was brave enough to drink the water that Angelina put sugar...and salt...and brown sugar..and pepper into. I was going to play rock-paper-scissors with Christian and whoever lost/won had to drink it, but then he changed his mind, so we didn't!! (You party-pooper, you!). Tori, I can't believe he didn't notice the water at all! And then of course, Quin did her thing as the birthday girl. Happy birthday, darling, because you are truly awesome. And I'm going to call you Mrs. President of the World from now on because that's what you're going to be. (BTW, Victooor, here's a kiss to make you feel better. *Winkwink*)

Late Dawns and Early Sunsets

2005-11-04T23:22:00.000-05:00

I am currently listening to "Early Sunsets Over Monroeville". Yes, by MCR. It's such a sad song...it's about a man who wants to protect his lover from evil. I'm not exactly sure what the evil is, but the lyrics go, "And I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight..." And at the end of the song, we realize that his lover has been mortally wounded and she wants him to kill her so he can put her out of her misery. And so he shoots her in the head and she dies and he's really sad. Such a sad song. It's making more depressed than I already am.

And if I had the guts to put this to your head,
But would anything matter
If you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now
By the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger...
Your eyes vacant and stained.
And in saying you love me
Make things harder at best.
And there's no room in this hell...
There's no room in the next.
But does anybody notice
There's a corpse in this bed?

*Sob* Such a sad song...

My whole family is pissed at each other. I don't even remember why anymore. Yeesh. Once again, my mother believes that I'm doing everything wrong and that I don't know what it means to act my age. I couldn't eat dinner with my parents without wanting to throw my plate at the wall. I didn't, though, because then my food would go everywhere and I was really hungry.

Short Entry for no reason.

2005-11-02T08:15:00.000-05:00

I am at school...and very bored and somewhat hungry.

Yesterday, we got our bio tests back because Mrs. Lee is not human and can mark biology tests in one night. But, she took them back anyways. I don't know which is worse: getting that horrendous thing and knowing that I will get it back or having it here forever.

And then yesterday, I nearly killed myself out of frustration trying to look for a t-shirt retailer that actually ships to Canada and aren't trying to suck customers dry for a bunch of plain one-colour t-shirts. Yeesh.

At least the long weekend starts after today. Yay...

Aaagh, I will end here. Bye all.

The disaster called "Biology Tests"

2005-10-31T16:48:00.000-05:00

As you can tell from my title, I did very badly on the biology test. Which really discourages me because I want to do well in bio. Well, I kind of have to. Anyways, I have no idea what went wrong. I studied so much (too much, actually) and I still did so badly...this sucks.

And I just realized that I forgot my SAP textbook at school. I guess I'll have to do the homework during spare.

Sheesh.

Anyways, now that the bio test is over and we have 2 PD days coming up, I don't feel like working at all. I'd like to have a cup of hot chocolate, throw my bio notes out the window and relax to MCR.

I think I'll go make some hot chocolate now...

Halloween is here!

2005-10-29T11:36:00.000-04:00

To tell the truth, I love Halloween. No, it is not because of free candy or seeing kids try to be cute and dress up in costumes. And it is not because I enjoy giving out free candy because then every time kids come, I have to interrupt what I'm doing to give out a chocolate bar.

Okay, I really love Halloween because I'm into the whole ghosts, goblins, haunted houses, scary stuff, "boo-I'm-going-to-eat-you" stuff.

And the time of the year Halloween is situated at is perfect. It's right in between fall and winter. It's getting colder, but it's not snowing yet. And you know that the days are growing shorter and nights are getting longer. Even during the days, it's kind of gloomy and gray (or is it "grey"? I can never remember...). Anyways, I just love the feeling that surrounds Halloween, even though I have gone trick-or-treating only once in my entire life and I have dressed up like only three times. It takes too much effort.

But, I'd love to go downtown on Halloween and see all the scary decorations on the shops and houses. I think it's because on Halloween, people and their kids are out in the evening anyways, so it doesn't feel as dangerous, even though by then, it's getting dark. The October-November time is cool.

Aaah, I better go study for bio. Stupid bio...

The BBQ Pit: More Flames and Rants

2005-10-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

See me rolling my eyes, Mom? And the exasperated sighs? And the totally spaced-out look on my face? Those are signs that you're boring the tits off me again. Okay, maybe not my tits because I kind of want to keep them.

For the love of...chocolate ice cream, Mom, stop trying to give me suggestions on what I should do for my career. If I want to do something, I'll do it, okay? "Oh, I'm only giving you suggestions! You don't have to get mad!" No, the truth is, you're hoping you'll give me so many suggestions that I'll just give up and actually consider one seriously so I'll end up with a job that YOU want me to have. Jeez.

And stop getting mad at me for trying to be myself just because I don't act the way you want me to and I don't dress the way you want me to do and I don't do anything at all the way you want me to. It's all about you, isn't it? You, you, you. Just so that you can go ahead and tell the whole world what a wonderful and perfect mother you are. Well, you kinda failed because look at what happened to me.

And finally: stop trying to control me. In everything. If you don't like it and have a valid reason for not liking it, then fine. Just tell me and stop getting mad and then getting even more mad when I get mad at you for getting mad for the stupidest fucked-up reasons ever. If it's a stupid reason, then too bad. Learn to deal with it and get over it.

Parents and a Suitcase(s)

2005-10-24T16:51:00.000-04:00

Why is it that my mother feels this obsessive need to say and do the same things to me every single day after day? "Sonia, you must study hard so you can go to university and get a good job and not have to worry about money." Every time we see a homeless person on the street, she tells me that if I don't want to end up living like them, I have to be smart and get a good job (read: a job that pays lots and lots of money for very little work). Doesn't she realize that some homeless people could have been doctors previously or something? Jeez, she puts so much value into money and brains and looks. It annoys me so much. "Oh, if your boyfriend isn't smart and rich and good-looking and polite, then dump him." WTF? My family is so superficial and it pisses me off so much, especially since my parents are supposed to adults.

I bet if they thought that I wasn't pretty enough, then they'd make me have plastic surgery once I turn 18. And if they thought that I wasn't smart enough, they'd make me do nothing but study all day. I just realized how my parents don't really know me at all, which is weird because I talk to them about almost everything and anything. They think I'm just like them. Personality-wise, I think I am just like them: stubborn, angered really easily, revengeful, strong-willed, etc., etc. But philosophy-wise? I hope not.

Lately, I've been really tired. Tired of school, studying, family stuff, friendship stuff, relationship stuff. All of this stuff. Just like what Ms. Ng said today, I just want to get dump it all and live life without all this extra luggage. Where am I going to put it?

Is that a tooth in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

2005-10-21T21:49:00.000-04:00

(Some time yesterday)
Becca: What if your dental surgeon turns out to be really hot?
Me: Hm..I'd be chewing my lip the whole time he's talking to me...and then he wouldn't be able to look at my teeth.

(Today in math class)
Me: *Tells Justin about my conversation with Becca*
Justin: *Exasperated* I bet he's just going to be an old fat balding man...

(At the dental surgery office)
Me: *Looks around in boredom...resists urge to attach myself to heart monitor.*
Father: *Looks bored as hell...looks around and absent-mindedly plays with an IV string that's attached to the IV pouch that's full of some liquid*
Doc: *Comes in*
Me: (Thinks, 'Damn...Justin was right! Grrr...')
Doc: So, you're Sonia...
*A male intern comes in and hands doc a file*
Intern: Doc, here's the file...
Me: (Thinks, 'Whoa...why, hel-LO there!')
*Intern leaves*
Me: (Thinks, 'Wait!! Come baaaack....!')

(After talk with the doc)
Receptionist lady: So, this is what the surgery is going to cost...
Dad: OMFG, listen, lady, I had FOUR wisdom teeth taken out for $500 and you're charging me three times as much!! *Has a total bitch fit in front of the receptionist lady*
Me: *Is totally embarrassed and wishes to shoot myself right there*
Receptionist lady: *Stays calm, but you can totally tell she's thinking, "Christ, this guy is being a bitch!"* Sir, I understand, this is just an estimate...
Dad: You know what? I'm going to go to another dentist and if your price is lower then, I'll come back here...But, I will pay for the consultation today and the x-ray
Receptionist lady: Okay, sir, I understand. So, if you'll just - *Dad's cell rings*
Dad: *Picks up...it's Mom. Says some stuff in Korean. Receptionist lady looks impatient. I feel sorry for her. Dad hangs up* Okay, you know what, my daughter will just do the surgery here, but can I make payments over 3 months?
Receptionist lady: Of course you can. In fact, the doctor is willing to give you a 15% discount because your daughter is a minor. *Overly polite and fake smile*
*Credit card exchanges hands, swish, swish, please sign here...thank you, come again!*

Lord, was I ever glad to get out of there...too bad, though. I wanted to see the cute Asian intern guy with spiky black hair again.

Tomorrow is Friday!

2005-10-20T16:29:00.000-04:00

In the words of Keanu Reeves: "Whoa."

What happened to this week? It's just been a whirlwind of all this school crap. And the good thing is: the bio test has been postponed to October 31st!! Who kicks ass??!! Mrs. Lee does. I'm not sure why she decided to postpone the test, but maybe it's a sign from God. Maybe we were all going to fail and that's why it was postponed. Who knows? The point is that we can all just relax a tiny bit and study more!

I'm on Jess's blog...listening to "Only Hope." Makes me wanna watch "A Walk to Remember" again...sigh. That was a really sweet movie.

Nothing else happening to me lately. Just school. Yesterday's SAP class was so funny. We did that personality inventory thing. I'm "melancholic". In a nutshell, I am apparently a severe perfectionist, unemotional, sets high goals for myself, does not deal with failure, enjoys solitude, and will sulk over disagreements. Well, those are only some of the parts that describe me. And the rest don't. Like: "tends to hypochondria" I don't pretend I'm sick all the time. Meh. It was interesting nonetheless.

I have to go to the dental surgeon tomorrow. He will be looking at my dental x-rays and giving me a "detailed description of the process of my wisdom teeth extraction". At least, that's what my dentist told me. I'm kind of scared actually. I have to have four - FOUR! - taken out...eeek.

Family Annoyances

2005-10-15T19:50:00.000-04:00

Parents being annoying. Brother is being annoying. Even the dog is being annoying.

I have another headache and I'm stressed over school:
1. English test (I never actually read "Macbeth"...I'm screwed.)
2. English essay (Eh, I got good on my outline. So, maybe my essay won't be too hard).
3. Biology test (I can't say how worried I am...words won't do justice.)
4. Chemistry test (Hm..unit 1 wasn't that bad, actually. Not horribly complicated and most of it is based on what we learned in the chemistry unit last year, anyways.)

Anyways, to all the people who went on the music retreat: I hope you all had fuuuuuuun while we were being bored to death at school.

I wasted the entire day today. Woke up, did PSATs, realized what a waste that was...came home and did absolutely nothing. Didn't study for English, bio OR chem. Didn't finish English essay. Okay, I finished the chem worksheet that Ms. Ng gave us, but that's all really. Oh, crap, I just realized that we have a physics test on Tuesday. I'll study for that tomorrow.

Brother's acting like it's the end of the world. Man, he reminds me of those emo teenagers who are high on teen-angst. It's really annoying me...parents are bothering me about school. I wish they'd stop asking. I have it under control (or at least, I'd like to think so) and I'll get it done, so for God's sakes, stop asking me about it!! And stop getting mad at me when I don't do things your way.

The Vanity I'm Breaking

2005-10-13T22:39:00.000-04:00

Today, everything went wrong in chem. I know I bombed the quiz that we wrote today and I think I didn't do very well on the worksheet that we handed in. Jeez...and I re-read my English outline and I realized how crappy it sounds...I don't think I made any sense. Sigh.

Anyways, I did this random vanity photo shoot again last week and since some of the pictures are funny (and I need something funny to cheer myself up right now), you can all make fun of my bad attempts at making facial expressions (by the way, Lizzie's the one who came up with the titles for some of them because I showed her the pictures and she made up weird/funny titles for them):

Dude, screw you. Find someone else to go to bed with.

Whooo, check out my hair!

Another wink, another bang. Like a bed of roses, there's a dozen reasons in this gun.

I can almost touch my nose with my tongue!

And finally...

Orgasm of the ears. Yes, I was listening to MCR when I took that picture.

Thank you and good night!! I'll be here all weekend!

Wish I Never Woke Up.

2005-10-12T17:16:00.000-04:00

Wow...what a hell of a day.

I woke up this morning...looked at the clock and thought some profane stuff about school, did my morning routine, drank half a can of Nestea (yes, I drink Nestea in the morning) and then I went downstairs with my bag...half-asleep.

Said good-bye to my brother, who walks to and from school because he's got a classmate who lives in the same townhouse area as us, so they walk to school together. Anyways, I got in the car, looking blankly around and trying to keep myself awake. Then, we're almost at the school and my mother's in the centre lane directly in line with the bus stop in front of our school. Some idiot bitch tried to make a left turn in front us; mother slammed the brakes; boom. crash. bang. lurch. ow, there goes my jaw. Even if we had stopped, she still would've crashed into us because for some reason, she turned so close to us. Saw Jess, Lizzie, Justin, Robin and Connie come out a couple of times...I waved at them...

Mother had a hysterical fit, screaming and crying and saying a whole slew of stuff in Korean that I didn't understand. Then I started crying, too. Soon, tow truck guys came and they were very nice. An officer came and asked me if I'd like him to walk me to the school. I said, "Okay" and he stopped traffic in the middle of Sheppard Ave. so I could cross it. It wasn't that big of a deal at the time, but then, I thought after it afterwards and I think it's funny. Called parents at lunch. Mother thinks our van is jinxed. So, we're getting it fixed and then we're trading it for another one because she had a similar accident with it before.

Anyways...I was shaking so much and all I could think was, "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod". When I got to the school, I wrote that physics quiz and I totally blanked out on it.

Then, Justin was being such a mindfucker. In math, he said, "I have a surprise for you." So, naturally, I bothered him about it and he's like, "What surprise?! I didn't say anything!" And I was so confused and I thought maybe the car accident did something to my head? Anyways, I spent the whole day bothering him and Rebecca is like, "Oh..I know what it is..." But, he insisted that he didn't have a surprise for me!! Anyways, we had spare at the end of the day and fiiiiinally, he said, "Okay, want your surprise now??" AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE MY ARM WARMERS!!!!!!!! Ooooooooh, myyyyyyyy Gooddddddddddddd. And it also turned out that he told REBECCA AND JASMINE about it last night at the same time he was telling ME that they weren't here yet!! I HATE YOU, JUSTIN!! I'm wearing the arm warmers right now.

Anyways, yeah, that was my day and I'm rather emotionally drained right now and I'd like to go to sleep. But, I have to do my English essay outline for Macbeth and all this other school crap. Ugh.

Yeah, so later...wow, this was a long entry...

Like a Bed of Roses...

2005-10-11T18:15:00.000-04:00

Today, I woke up, did my morning routine and went downstairs to the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator to get the milk out when I looked out the glass sliding door in my kitchen that leads to the backyard/deck.

It was grey and cold-breezy. The kitchen was a darker grey and I wish I had taken a picture of my backyard. There's only one tree with several small plants. A few leaves were clinging onto the tree as a breeze blew. From far away, the red leaves on the ground looked like dried rose petals. Drops of blood staining the red cement blocks that covered the ground.

It was pretty. And I'm just singing another sad song with nothing to say.

I lose sense of time during school. It's just one mind-numbing day after another. I can't wait until I get out of here.

Someone to lean on? No thanks. I've got my own feet.

2005-10-08T22:04:00.000-04:00

Emotional roller coaster, huh?

Okay, I admit it. I'm not an emotional roller coaster. I'm more like a emotional fucking plane that's on nosedive and hasn't hit the ground yet.

I can't say that I've been through worse. I don't think I have. But, I am strong and if I can't take it, then I'm just weak. I don't need to "talk about my problems". I can let out my emotions in my own way, but nobody has to see it.

But, at the same time...

...I'd like someone to lean on.

I try to lean on my parents, but they push me and say, "We didn't spend our lives teaching you to depend on us forever. It's time you learned." I'm in a crowd one day and I try to lean on the people around me, but they say, "You're too heavy" or "You're invading my space."

They say I should lean on God. So why does it feel like He's saying, "Sorry, got better things to do"?

I'm standing on my own two feet because that's all I've got right now.

Whooo! Camera whoring!

2005-10-08T00:03:00.000-04:00

I took these pictures one night when my parents were out and I drank a can of Diet Coke in like under a minute, so I was feeling VERY weird:

Scandalous! Outrageous, I say!! Catch me when I faint.

Whazzuuuuuuup?!?! I'm a rock star!!

Fobby, fobby, mwah, mwah. I love you, too.

Now, these pictures were taken on some random day when I was fooling around with my webcamera and listening to MCR. Check out my bulky headphones!

Mmmm...chewy black synethic rubber...

"And never again...they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we're all dead now."

Wink, wink. Guess who shot your goldfish?

And finally...a normal picture of me wearing a t-shirt that has the name of one of my current favourite movies:

I could really use some attention right now.

Wasting Bandwidth, Pt. 2

2005-10-06T22:02:00.000-04:00

Hm.

Whoooohoooooo! Non-uniform day tomorrow! Awesome, except for the fact that we have a SAP test. I'm a bit nervous about it. It feels like my brain is empty, but at the same time, it sounds like I have all these voices in my head that are babbling about everything I tried to cram into my head. I'm scaring myself a little.

Let's see...I know I was going to say something here. But, I can't remember what. It's the stress getting to me.

I wish my parents would go on a trip to Paris, like Jane's parents, so I can live by myself (well, not by myself because my brother's here), but yeah...I also want to go to the US Summit (medicine) thingie. Must remember to ask parents. They will probably say "yes" because they're all for me doing these sorts of things.

Diet Coke = Beer
Hot Chocolate = Caffeine
Water = Water

I wonder what would happen if I drank all of those together at once.

On second thought: EW. Diet Coke and hot chocolate!? Like, gag me with a spoon. (Some '80's lingo for you there).

Short & Simple

2005-10-05T19:54:00.000-04:00

I have the most massive effing headache ever.

Someone get me to the doctor and someone call the nurse.

I need to do something to get rid of all this stupid stupid stress. I need to sleep. I need to get drunk and wasted. I want my effing arm warmers.

I am being so bitchy right now because of all this stress. I bet the teachers have this master conspiracy to do this to us. They secretly hate us and want to torture us because they know that mental torture is so much worse than physical. I'd take cigarette burns any day.

Speaking of cigarettes, I should take up smoking. That way, I can slowly kill myself and not realize it.

The BBQ Pit: Some Idiot Driver

2005-10-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

Oh. My. God.

So, my mom was driving me home from my tutor's. She stopped at a four-way stop intersection. She stopped, obviously, and then she started moving forward. Well, while she was moving forward, some bastard on our left side was approaching the intersection. Well, naturally, my mom was driving, so we thought he'd stop because he's SUPPOSED to.

Well. The bastard made a left turn right in front of us without stopping!!!! My mom slammed the brakes and honked at him and he didn't move for like a full 10 seconds. Then, he started driving again and while he was in front of us, he stuck his hand out the window and gave us the finger!!! He's giving US the finger?! The temptation to stick my head out the window and yell, "Fuck you, bastard!!" was so great.

And then, my mom changed lanes and she caught up to the guy and she was shooting daggers AND silver bullets at him with her eyes. My mom is so scary when she's pissed off. And since I'm in the passenger seat, he was right beside me and I wanted to stick both my middle fingers up at him. Man, what a fucking bastard. He just glared at us.

And just for the hell of it, I memorized the guy's license plate and thought, "You bastard. You just made my list."

...It's October now.

2005-10-02T10:05:00.000-04:00

September is over. October has begun. The October sky looks strange at sunset, like a nuclear bomb just went off. It goes from orange to navy blue. Nuclear colours. It's also colder now. My house is cold. My hands and feet are cold. I have to sleep with my electric blanket. Well, it's not really a blanket. More like this giant piece of cloth I put under the bedsheets. Anyways, it keeps me warm at night.

Jasmine called me studyopathic. She read that SAP article about sociopaths, who don't have any emotion and conscience (I don't know how that works or why these people work like that, but it's scary nonetheless). Anyways, she read the article and she told me about it. Then I randomly asked her if she thinks Ms. Ng will want us to memorize all the polyatomic ions for our quiz thing. And Jasmine said, "Omigosh, you sounded SO nerdy just now...you're such a studyopath!!"

I am determined to do well for first term. I think I have OCD when it comes to school work.

Give me an E.

2005-09-29T16:21:00.000-04:00

I still can't shake that feeling of sorrow. It sort of got worse today in SAP class. If you were there, you know what I'm talking about. I sort of wish I had been there just to release all this sadness. I don't know how to.

On a totally lighter note, I think I did okay on my physics quiz. I know I mixed some stuff up on the bio quiz. But, "Alias" Season 5 Premiere episode tonight at 8!!!! CAN'T EFFING WAIT!! I gotta do all my homework before then and afterwards, I'm going to study for accounting/bible/SAP. Aiyaa, my mom wants me to "prepare" for PSATs. *Smacks forehead* Why must she be so...so prepared for everything?

My feet are cold. The rain this morning was awesome. It was a physical representation of what I felt like doing all of today. Except for the fact it woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep for a bit because it was making pitter-patter noises against my window. They sounded like rocks, but it was weird because they're not solid at all.

When are we getting our first term report cards? I have to get a good first term report card. I must.

Yes, there is a point to this title of this entry.

[ETA: Well. Now I know that my arm warmers aren't lost in the mail. No, they're back in Hawaii, where the seller is!!!! Why? Because she wrote Justin's address down wrong!!! Aiya. At least it probably won't take long to get here if it took a week and a half to get here and then get sent back to her...Sigh.]

All Work + No Play = Sonia

2005-09-28T20:20:00.000-04:00

I feel rather blue.

I don't know why, but that car accident really hit close to home with me. I don't even know the victims. I think it's because I sort of know the people who did know them. It's making me so sad. Why would they do that? But, then, if everyone made the right decisions all the time, we wouldn't have people like lawyers to cover up for the people who made bad decisions.

Let's see what crap I have to stuff through my ear and into my brain:
1. Physics test tomorrow - Shite. Physics is confusing for me.
2. Accounting quiz on Monday - Meh. I don't think accounting is really that hard.
3. World Religions test - Aiyaaa, I wouldn't care so much about this if it wasn't a fricking credit course!!!
4. SAP test - I am so worried about this one. Haven't even started studying
5. English essay - Maaaaaaan, more essays. Die, essays, die!!

Argh, I am so sleep-deprived and yet, I manage to run on five to six hours of sleep everyday. I can't fall asleep properly. It's weird because the later I go to bed, the faster I fall asleep. So, I just go to bed really late because it won't take me as long to fall asleep.

I now have the song "Helena" (the background image is taken from the music video) here. Rebecca, words fail to describe how much you kick ass.

Crap. Must study for physics now. *Scowls* I feel like all I do now is scowl.

Must get a good report card for first term.

Random Entry...

2005-09-26T16:44:00.000-04:00

What the hell is up with Blogger right now? It's kind of screwed up for me. Anyways, as long as it doesn't eat up this post, then that's okay.

I am addicted to Teddy Grahams...must have more!!!

And where are my arm warmers?! When are they getting here!!! What if they're lost in the mail?? If they are I'm going to cry..

I'm rather tired and I wish to go to sleep, but I can't because I just realized that our Religions test is next Monday, which is only a week from now! AND there's a SAP test next Friday and I'm doing so badly in SAP...crap.

I must start homework...don't want to go to tutor...brain failing...

I just ate all of my Teddy Grahams...now I'm sad because I have nothing to give me sugar. Sigh.

I got a haircut yesterday. It's shorter and very layered. It feels more choppy, which is what I wanted. I want to dye the tips red or get streaks.

Is high school over yet?

In Need Of..

2005-09-24T21:55:00.000-04:00

Rebecca and I are raving about our favourite hotties, Roy Mustang (character from the most awesome Japanese anime, "Full Metal Alchemist) and Gerard Way (DUH!) Currently, I have done 0% of my homework and done 0 studying for my upcoming tests in Bible class and SAP.

Yup, that's me. A big fat zero.

Currently, I am listening to MCR and doing some weird dance moves while sitting in my chairs. I'm really just moving my shoulders up to the beat of the music and lip synching to it. My brother is giving me weird looks. I must fight the urge to grab something and use it as a microphone and air-guitar all over the place. When MCR does a show in Toronto (or any other place near here), I'm gonna go there, rock out and get so wasted and drunk. MCR makes me feel aggressive. They just make me wanna swear a million miles per second and flip the bird at random peple and do an assload of crazy stuff. Yeah, you can tell that I'm listening to MCR right now, can't you?

Anyways, weird drama happening right now. I need to go something exciting. I need a change. I need to kick, punch and throw things. I have to get all this extra energy out of my system. I wish I was good at guitar. Well, to get a bit of this energy out, I've got one thing to say:

PUT YOUR EFFING HANDS TOGETHER AND SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAM!

Earl Bales Day Recap

2005-09-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

My legs are so sore. I was practising cartwheels in the morning for my group, Pilgrims #1 because Sandra and Dana wanted to include cartwheels in it. Aiyaaa, I hadn't done cartwheels since the fifth grade and even though, I'm flexible, my legs are still sore. =/

Anyways, it was pretty great today. I got to school so early in the morning because my mother insisted that we go early. *Rolls eyes* And then...we wasted about an hour and a half before we got on the bus. Then, we got there and that's when I started practising the cartwheels. It was so fricking cold in the morning, too!!

And the morning was pretty boring. All we did was play games and stuff. Then, lunch was so funny. Jasmine mentioned apple martinis and I started to say how sexy they are. Then, Justin was like, "What if a really ugly guy was drinking an apple martini?" So, I said, "Well, then I'd probably make a move on the martini and say something, "I'd sure like to drink you up tonight.'" Then, we started talking about what it was like when we were in elementary school and if we ever got in trouble and sent to the office for anything. Then, I felt like piggy-backing someone, so I tried to get Justin to give me one, but then Victor (Wong) gave me one instead. Yay.

And then we played the most demented game of Ultimate Frisbee, which I haven't played since sixth-grade gym class at my old school with Miss Savage, our gym teacher. I still remember her name...After that, it was the end of the day...already and then I walked home and now I'm absolutely exhausted...

By the way, happy birthday, Victor (Lau)!!!!!!!!!!

I'm Not Okay

2005-09-22T17:51:00.000-04:00

First order of business: for those who don't know...Jessica's brother, Nicholas, had a really bad accident, so please pray them and their family. I'm keeping it general because I don't know much myself and I don't know if Jessica wants everyone to know, but just pray for them, please. She probably won't read this because she thinks blogs are for losers, but Jess, we're praying for you!!!

I think God must get a good laugh at what He does with my life. I stayed up until midnight last night studying sociology for the quiz. And today, we didn't have the fricking quiz!!!!!

Tomorrow is Earl Bales Day. I have never really understood it, but at least it's non-uniform for us. Why did Mrs. Crouse tell my group that we have to wear our group colour, but nobody else was told that??

Anyways...I'm just taking it easy for today. Not really working much because no school tomorrow. Yeah...I really think in God's eyes, I'm a joke or something.

Hope Nicholas and Jess are okay.

[ETA: Nick's okay. Let's celebrate, everybody! I'll bring the beer.]

Dumbassed-ness

2005-09-21T20:01:00.000-04:00

Oh, my God, if my head wasn't attached to my neck, I would've forgotten the thing at home today. And my head isn't attached to my neck properly. For the second time in a week, I forgot my homework at home. Who does that? A dumbass like me. That's who.

I'm renaming my parents. I am not calling them Mom and Dad anymore. Instead, I'll call them Hitler Woman and Hitler Man. They act like they're all nice and everything and maybe they really do have my best interests at heart. Okay, that's fine. But why the hell do they insist on dictating every single thing I do? "Don't listen to music while you're studying." "Do it this way, not like that!" "Listen to your mother. She knows what she's talking about." "We're right, you're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it."

Someone just shoot me now.

I did badly on the psychology quiz for SAP. It was expected. I'm expecting to do badly on the sociology quiz, if we have one. I don't understand it. What am I doing wrong? Well, my assignments aren't bad, but my quizzes are. What's gonna happen when we have our test?!

I have to go think about this. Excuse me.

Hate, hate, hate.

2005-09-19T18:28:00.000-04:00

I am doing so badly in SAP (well, it's not like I'm failing, but I'm not doing as well as I'd like to be). I know I didn't do so well on the quiz we had today and I didn't do well on the first quiz we had and it's making me really discouraged. Even though SAP is really the only discouraging subject right now, school overall is being such a bitch.

Anyways, I'm rather nervous for the physics and math test tomorrow. I'm also worried about the English quiz...I hope I can remember everything. I haven't even started studying yet...

Hm, I'm kind of hungry. I should eat something before I go to my tutor. Stupid tutor...takes away from my time to study for school and do homework. I wish I could quit violin lessons. It'd be so much easier on my mom and me. She keeps insisting, "Oh! It's good to learn how to play an instrument!!" I don't see why she insists when I suck and I never ever practise. What's the point? She's just wasting her precious money and my precious time.

Why do my parents act like they're the only ones who can have fun? I hate being underage for everything: drinking (but, I don't like drinking in the first place), smoking (but, I don't want to smoke either), going into clubs (Yeah!!! Par-taaaaay!), driving (hell yaaaaaaaah!), and everything else that's fun in this world. *Scowls*

If there's a Warped Tour 2006, I'm going. Whether my parents like it or not. Good thing about it is that it's during the summer (or at least, Warped Tour 2005 was).

Excitement? Nah.

2005-09-18T17:25:00.000-04:00

It's too bad I'm not in Chicago right now. I'd be at the UIC Pavilion, waiting in line to get into MCR's concert. I've decided that I want to go to a hardcore concert and be a part of the moshpit(s). I'd probably be trampled in the moshpit, but if I come out alive, I'd have cool battle scars to show my kids.

1. WR paper thingie on behaviour (I did my paper on Jewish people and why they dress up on Friday nights. Well, I do volunteer work at an old-age home for Jewish seniors, so, yeah...)
2. SAP quiz on psychology. Bleh. I read the paper like ten times already..
3. Physics/math tests. Eek.
4. English essay/quiz. Did essay. I'm not sure what to do about the quiz because she said she's testing us on vocab AND history. Argh.

Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts...Whoo!

Sigh. I have to walk home on Tuesdays now because my brother has guitar lessons at 5 and drama club ends at 4:45. Blah...How come nothing exciting happens around here?